Relighting the Fire
by macks655
Summary: Post- Mockingjay, Pre- epilouge. Follows Katniss and Peeta through the days after their return to District 12. Changed the primrose planting scene a bit but staying true to the characters and the book. Please Review!
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guys! This is my first fanfic and I really hope it is worth reading! Please, please review as I can't improve without knowing my mistakes! I love criticism so please don't be afraid to speak your mind! Thanks again!**

I don't know what I expected to find when I got home to District 12. The place I grew up maybe? The place I could always rely on to calm me? Focus me at my most confused times? Somewhere I had friends and family who loved and cared for me all around? Whatever it was, it was not this.

When I wake in my bed each morning I am immediately filled with the absolute nothingness I have been feeling for the past month or so, since I got back to 12. There is something about this nothingness that tends to make me think it is better than actually feeling, actually living. It is safe to be wrapped in it's grasp, safe from the memories and emotions and reminders of the destruction I have caused. The loss of life I have caused. The guilt that I feel when I come out from the darkness for even a few moments is so over whelming that Haymitch found me with a knife in my hands once, as I rocked back and forth on the bathroom floor. He took all the knives from my kitchen after that.

The few times this has happened, that I have attempted to wake up from the deep slumber of nothingness I have put myself into, all I can think of is Prim, Finnick, Rue, and so many others, so many nameless faces of people I know I killed.

The first time I walk down stairs, into my kitchen without anyone forcing me to, I am greeted with a huge smile from Greasy Sae who is cooking one of my meals in my kitchen as she has been ever since she returns. I can see the look of surprise and happiness that she is wearing at my improvement. No matter what I do though, I can not drag the corners of my mouth up and return the smile, I only stare blankly ahead and take slow, careful spoonfuls of the porridge she has made for me.

Now, when I come down for breakfast as I have been for several weeks I notice that there is something different about the house next to mine. I walk closer to the window that faces the house and see a glowing light coming from one of the windows and smoke rising from the chimney. My face, blank as always, gives away no hint of emotion but my mind is buzzing with the thought that the owner of that house has returned.

I turn around and take my seat at the kitchen table as I always do and try not to give much thought about anything. Try to fall back into the nothingness I have come so accustomed to. I can't though. It's not as easy as it has been for the last two months. For the first time I am not able to free all emotions from my mind and I don't know why. So instead, I stare blankly ahead and eat my porridge.

I continue on like this for a few more days before I look out the window again to see someone at the front of my house, kneeling down in the grass. When I see the blond head of hair I know exactly who it is. I get up from my chair and immediately walk to the front door, yanking it open and staring at the boy who is what looks to be tending my garden. I glance at the new plant that has been neatly planted in rows along the front of my house and my knees go week at the realization of what these are. There must be twenty, maybe even thirty of the small bushes of flowers, all a light pink colour. They are so big and beautiful and perfect that I immediately begin to sob, something I haven't done once since coming back to Twelve.

The primroses that line my garden remind me of everything good about Prim and her life. When Peeta runs up onto the porch where I am standing and embraces me I let him.

"I'm so sorry Katniss, I'm sorry. Forgive me, it was a stupid idea. I shouldn't have planted them. I'm sorry." As I continue to wet his shirt with my tears all I can do is shake my head back and forth and try to get the message across to him that he should not be apologizing. That what he did was absolutely perfect. I can't find the words though and he continues to apologize as we sink to the ground, still wrapped in each others arms. Then I utter the first words I have spoken in nearly two months.

"Thank you." It's merely a whisper but I know Peeta has heard when he pulls back and looks me in the eyes. Only then are the good images of Prim suddenly gone and I remind myself of the fact that I was the one who caused her not to be here anymore and my face takes the glazed over look again. My limbs go limp and I am no longer embracing Peeta.

"Katniss? No, Katniss don't do this again. Please, no." and Peeta holds me tighter. He lifts me up and carries me into my house where he lays me down on my bed after carrying me up the stairs. I curl up into my blankets and once again attempt to feel no emotion as the nothingness drags me into its tight grip.

_**Peeta's P.O.V.**_

As I lay her onto the bed I know this won't be easy, bringing her out of her depression again. But I saw a glimmer of hope today when she saw the primroses. I can only hope for that to come out again and stay. I hate to see her like this and I know I have to help her. And so when I hear her screaming in the middle of the night, I run out of my house and into hers.

I run up the stairs, taking them two at a time. When I find her on her bed with her hands covering her ears and screams coming from her mouth I throw my arms around her and whisper calming words into her ear.

"Not real Katniss, not real, not real, not real. It's okay. You're safe, not real." As I repeat those two little words over and over I can feel her physically start to relax in my arms. She is shivering though. Not because she is cold, but because the she is reliving the deaths of so many people over and over again. I know what it's like. I get them too, the nightmares. Although I don't wake up screaming, I wake up paralyzed in fear every night.

I have only one answer for her when she asks me to stay with her. "Always." I tell her and she falls asleep with me right beside her, scaring away her demons as she scares away mine. I realize that in this moment I feel at peace, with my arms wrapped around her sleeping body.

I would have come back to 12 sooner than I did but Dr. Aurelius wouldn't allow it until now. The process of healing from what Snow did to me hasn't been easy. To be this close to Katniss without being overcome with a flashback would have been impossible just a few months ago. I am grateful to be back now to help and protect Katniss however I can.

The next morning when I wake up I open my eyes to see the bright sunshine pouring through the window in Katniss' bedroom. I look down to see her still curled up in my arms and I can't help but stare. She is so beautiful. Taking a close look at her I start to see the toll she is taking from not eating or moving around enough. She is extremely skinny and I can see ever bone in her body. There are deep dark circles under her eyes that tell me she hasn't been sleeping well. Her hair is matted from not being brushed in days, maybe even weeks.

I begin tracing lines on her shoulders and back lightly with my finger. As I do this I listen to the birds outside the window singing and chirping. I feel Katniss tense against me and begin to stir. I stop drawing the patterns and turn my attention to her face as her eyes flutter open. She is confused at first but when she turns around and her eyes find mine she buries her face against my chest and lets out a content sigh.

"Good morning." I say quietly. She says nothing in response though. "Are you hungry?" I ask her. "I think Sae is downstairs making breakfast right now." I try to nudge her so I can see her face but she stays put against my chest and says nothing.

I shift away from her and off of the bed and stand and look at her. I offer her my hand and say "Come on Katniss, please come and eat." She stares at me for a moment before taking my hand in her own as I help her up and off of the bed. We walk down the stairs like this, hand in hand but she still has that blank expression on her face. I can't help but frown slightly.

We walk into the kitchen to find Greasy Sae standing there, hovering over a pan with what looks to be some sort of omelette in it. She turns around to see the two of us and looks surprised at first, before giving us a warm smile. I say good morning and sit next to Katniss at the table.

Sae brings over two plates before quickly cleaning up and leaving the house with a quick goodbye. I thank her before sitting back down beside Katniss. She hasn't taken a bite of her breakfast. "Katniss you have to eat that, come on." I sat trying to coax her to pick up the fork. "Please eat. It's not good for you to be living like this. Please." She finally picks up her fork and takes a cautious bite of the cooked egg. "Thank you." I tell her and give her a quick kiss on the cheek.

She looks at me with those big grey eyes that I simply love and I cannot look away. She finally does and takes another bite of her meal, suddenly finding her appetite I suppose. A huge grin makes its way onto my face at this small win.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! Thanks so much for the follows and favourites! Makes me so happy that people are enjoying! Well, here's chapter 2!**

**I own nothing. All characters belong to the wonderful Suzanne Collins**

Having Peeta back the last few days has been comforting yet confusing. He makes me feel things other than the guilt, anger or sadness that were the only emotions I had been feeling before his return. It may not be Joy, or even happiness just yet, but it is something. A little spark of something deep inside. Something that gets me through the day. Something to focus on.

We spend almost all day together. He usually talks and I listen. I still don't speak much, I don't see the point. We often sit on the couch in my living room and he tells me stories of what happened in 13 after I left. Even of some of Paylor's plans for the future.

When I do speak Peeta rewards me with a huge smile, and the corners of my lips even rise at this, albeit very slightly. I know he wants me to talk, to be myself, to smile, and to laugh, but he also knows that I need time.

One day, as Peeta and I lay on my bed as we have done every night since he has been back, I come to a realization. I see now that I don't want to loose the boy lying beside me. I realize I don't want to loose the boy who saved me numerous times and in numerous ways. I can't loose him, my boy with the bread, my Peeta. So I turn to him, and stare into those amazing crystal blue eyes and I know what it is I am feeling.

That little spark that I have felt grow stronger over the last few weeks, that I haven't been able to find the name for. I decide to take that spark and hold onto it with all I have in me. I am going to live. I am going to live for Peeta. As I realize this I slowly start moving my way up to Peeta, still staring into his blue eyes. I press my forehead against his for a moment and take in his scent. He smells of cinnamon, nutmeg, raisins, and sugar. I inhale deeply before bringing my lips to his in a short, but passionate kiss.

I realize that this is the first kiss that we have shared without an audience. Without cameras, or people around to watch our every move. It is more meaningful than I can put into words. When I pull back he stares at me, his eyes full of emotion and feeling. The smile on his face is full of relief as well as disbelief. He leans in again and kisses me hard as he twists his hands into my hair behind my head. He pulls back and we both lie down again and simply look at each other.

"I'm sorry." I say, in a voice just barely audible. His expression turns to confusion.

"What on Earth could you possibly be sorry for?" He asks me.

"I'm sorry for being so distant. For not being there for you when you are always there for me. I don't know what my life would have become had you not come back. I don't know… I guess it wouldn't really have been a life at all." I say. My words come out fast and unsure but I speak nothing but the truth. I don't know how to put into words how much his presence has helped me find my will to live again.

"Shh…" he says quietly bringing my head onto his shoulder and running his fingers through my dark hair. "You never need to be sorry for that. All I want is for you to get better. To become my Katniss again. I want you to be healthy and happy, I want to see a smile on your face every single day. Do you understand?" He says while drawing invisible circles onto my back with his thumb. I nod my head in response and feel a single tear roll down my cheek.

I want to be all the things Peeta said and more but I know I will never be the same Katniss Everdeen that volunteered in her sister's place at that reaping. I am too broken, too scared.

"Please don't cry." He says as he pulls me back to look at me. He wipes away the few tears on my face with his thumb. He pulls me into his arms once again and we relax into the bed. "Sleep now." He tells me. I close my eyes but there is a question rolling around in y head.

"Peeta?" I say quietly.

"Mmmm?" He mumbles, on the edge of sleep.

"Do you think we will ever be normal again? Do you think we could still have normal lives?" I ask timidly, my eyes still closed.

"I think so. We may never be completely healed, but I think we will be able to live with that, you know? Live with our scars and memories, both good and bad." He says in a sleepy, yet completely believable voice. I nod once more before falling into a deep sleep. Tonight there would be no nightmares for the first time since the hunger games.

The next day is different from any other I have had since coming to District 12 after the war. I awake a little after dawn and immediately break free from Peeta's grasp and head into the bathroom and take a shower. I rid myself of the old dirty clothes and avoid the mirror as I step into the shower. The hot stream of water coming from the tap feels invigorating, and I scrub all the dirt and grime off my body. After shampooing my hair and rinsing off I step out of the shower and grab a towel to dry off.

I wrap the towel around my now slightly damp body and walk back into the bedroom where I find a missing Peeta. I wonder where he could have gone when I smell the delicious scents coming from downstairs. Peeta is making breakfast. Quickly I pull on a plain t- shirt and a pair of black pants. I attempt to towel dry my hair and then get to work with my brush to try and detangle the huge knots that have formed in my hair.

As I sit on the bed I hear footsteps walk up behind me and before I know it Peeta has his arms wrapped around my torso and is giving a small peck to my neck. "Morning." He says into my hair and then he grabs the brush that I am struggling to get through my damp hair. "Here, let me." He says quietly and he begins gently untangling the large knots.

While he is brushing through my hair I close my eyes and loose myself in the feeling. I have always loved someone running there fingers through my hair, or having my hair brushed. My mother used to do it all the time for me before my father died. I loved it so much. As I think of this Peeta begins using his hands to massage my scalp. I sigh quietly as the feeling overwhelms me.

I find myself leaning back onto him as he does so, my eyes still closed. I feel like I could fall asleep at any moment when I hear Peeta's voice break through and into my ears. "You're not going to fall asleep now are you?" He says with his mouth next to my ear. "I just made breakfast for the two of us." He half whines and I force myself into a sitting position. I run my fingers through my hair to find that he has successfully un- matted my hair. He gives me a grin when he sees my amazed eyes.

We walk down the stairs together and the smell of the freshly made food that awaits me takes my breath away. I walk into the kitchen to see a pile of blueberry pancakes, a small basket of muffins and a plate piled high with cheese buns; my favourite. I immediately walk over to the table where everything sits and take my seat.

As Peeta and I eat I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe this might work. That I might be able to come back to life and end up happy some way. I also realize that Peeta is such a huge part of what makes me happy and content. That I don't want to loose him. So when we are both done our breakfast and the dishes have been cleaned I take his hand in my own and stay as close to him as I can.

When I sit down on the couch and cuddle in next to him I ask him a question I never imagined I would be brave enough to ask at a moment like this. "Peeta, do you love me?" I ask him as I stare into his bright blue eyes.

"Yes, always." He tells me. His arms tighten around me and he says, "I know that you can't say that yourself just yet, and I know you need time. But I need you to know that I love you and always will. Nothing will ever change that. You are so beautiful, and caring and brave. You are you, Katniss. That's all I will ever need or want." I am so grateful that he knows me so well. I know in my heart that it is love I feel towards him, but I can not say those words yet.

"Thank you. Thank you for understanding." I tell him and he simply hugs me tighter.

**Well? What did you think? Make sure to tell me by leaving a review! Thanks so much!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello my amazing readers! Looks like people are taking well to the story so far so I figured I would add the next chapter since I already had it written out! Well, here it is! Please remember to follow, favourite, and review!**

**I own nothing! All characters belong to Suzanne Collins!**

_I am running through the woods full speed. I am running from something but I have no idea what. All I know is that it is dangerous and I need to get away from it. Now. As I zigzag through the dense forest I become more aware of my surroundings. This is not the forest of District 12 but rather the arena from the 74__th__ Hunger Games. _The mutts,_ I think. _The mutts are chasing me._ I suddenly hear a cry that I so often hear in my nightmares. Prim._

_She is calling my name, over and over desperately pleading for me to help, for me to save her. I search for her everywhere but see nothing and am aware of only the thing chasing me. Suddenly there is someone beside me and Prim's voice is gone. The man running beside me looks just as terrified as me but he suddenly trips over a branch and falls to the ground. The pack of mutts is instantly on top of him and ripping him apart piece by little piece. I call Peeta's name and scream as I trip too. I scream his name as he dies in front of me. There is nothing I can do to stop it._

I suddenly realise the pair of arms around me are not that of a mutt or someone who wants to hurt me. My screams die down as I become conscious of the man holding me and whip my head around to see if it is truly him or not. I touch his face and whisper his name to make sure he is real and let out a sob of relief to find that he is safe here with me.

"It's okay Katniss, I'm right here my love. Shhh… that's right. It wasn't real, whatever you saw wasn't real." He says in a soothing voice to me. That is the only voice that could ever sooth me the way it does. His words, his arms wrapped around me, they are the only thing that makes me feel safe in the middle of the night when darkness surrounds me.

"You… d-died. I c-couldn't save you…" I say between sobs.

"It's ok. I'm ok. See? I'm right here with you, and I love you and I will never let anything happen to you. I promise. Close your eyes, Katniss, try to sleep." And with that I lie down and relax and let sleep take me over.

I wake the next morning to see sunlight streaming through the windows. It looks like it's going to be a very nice day. I am thinking of maybe taking Peeta to the forest and down to the lake when he interrupts my thoughts by planting a gentle kiss on my cheek from behind me. I start at first, not realising he was awake but soon cuddle even closer to him as he tightens his squeeze around me.

"Good morning my beautiful." He says quietly into my ear. I silently smile and turn to see those blue eyes staring down at me. The colour is so difficult to describe because it's a blend of so many different shades as the thin strokes of blue blend together from the pupil outwards. They are the most amazing things to look at. I would stare at them all day if I could; try to pick out the emotions that are sewed into them.

"You go ahead and shower and I will start breakfast. How does that sound?" he asks me.

"Perfect." I say as he releases his grip on me and slides off the opposite side of the bed. Without another word we are off doing our set jobs, as we do each morning. We will eat, Peeta will leave to get changed and cleaned up at his own house and come back after to spend the rest of the afternoon with me. Today will be no different.

As I slide out of the shower, I towel dry myself off and step back into my bedroom. I find a t-shirt and some plain jeans and pull them on. I brush my hair and begin making my way out of my bedroom.

It's then that I hear it. A huge bang coming from in the kitchen and then what sounds like glass breaking. _Peeta, _I think to my self as I sprint down the stairs. When I come to the kitchen I slow, and quiet down. My fears are immediately confirmed. I see Peeta, hunched over the counter gripping it so hard I swear he could break the shiny marble surface. He is having a Flashback.

He stiffens when he hears me behind him. "Peeta?" I whisper as calmly as I can. At the sound of my voice his head whips around and he stares at me directly in the eyes. His pupils are dilated to the point that you can hardly see any of that lovely blue, only black. I am immediately prepared to run if I need to.

"Katniss." He hisses, and his face becomes overtaken by confusion. No doubt both good and bad memories are taking over his brain. "Mutt! I'm going to kill you!" he says in a tone of anger and disgust. "I'm going to kill you just like you killed my family." He says a little quieter.

"No Peeta, I didn't kill your family. The things you're seeing aren't real, Peeta, not real." I say trying to be calm. "Please come back to me Peeta, please." I say and with that he walks toward me and grabs me by the wrist with such force I cry out in pain.

That's when I know I have to go, escape his grasp. I try to pull free but he only holds on tighter and continues calling me filthy names. _Mutt, murderer, killer, heartless, selfish, arrogant. _The words roll of his tong as if they were nothing. When he turns back around to look into the kitchen, looking for some sort of a weapon, I quickly yank my arm up and back with all my force and free myself from his grasp. I immediately turn around and run up the stairs as quickly as I possibly can but he is right behind me. He is screaming in anger now.

I make it up the stairs and around the corner and run straight into the guest bathroom. I slam open the door, and just as quickly shut it and lock it behind me. He pounds his fists on the door behind me as I slide down to the floor with my back to the door. I take a moment to look at my wrist and see that it is already bruising. Peeta will never forgive himself, and I now it. I then realize the shooting pain in my foot and the blood on the bathroom tiles.

There is a long cut along the bottom of my foot that I hadn't even felt until now. It must have been a shard of glass that was on the floor in the kitchen from whatever Peeta had broken. I continue to listen to Peeta behind the door and quietly sob to myself.

"Not real Peeta, not real, not real, not real…" I repeat over and over. The bangs and yelling slowly begin to dissipate behind me. I have been locked in the bathroom for about 20 minutes when I hear Peeta finally quiet.

The tears continue to roll down my face though. What if there is some truth to the things he said to me? What if I really am a mutt, a killer like he told me? I know that he only said those things because of the flashback but I can't help but see some truth in those words.

"Katniss?" I hear Peeta say weakly on the other side of the door. "Katniss are you hurt?" he says with worry, concern and guilt.

"No." I say through my tears but he knows me too well.

"Don't lie. How bad is it? Can I come in?" with this I slowly inch back up into a standing position and open the door a crack to make sure he is himself again. I know when I see those deep blue eyes that he is back. I fling the door open fully and throw my arms around him and lean my head against his chest.

"Thank you for coming back to me." I whisper quietly while I soak his shirt with my silent tears.

"I'm so sorry Katniss. I don't know what happened. I was making breakfast and suddenly something just snapped. Show me where I hurt you." He says quietly.

"No where, it's fine as long as your back."

"No Katniss! It's not fine! Show me where you are hurt!" He says louder now. I pull my head back from his chest and slowly bring my wrist up and in front of us both. Fresh tears start to spill over as I see the look on his face.

"Katniss…" He says as we both look at the now very prominent purple bruises around my wrist. He runs his hands through his hair and sighs. That's when he looks down and sees the blood on the white tiles of the bathroom floor. "Did I cut you? Katniss, why didn't you tell me?"

"No it wasn't you Peeta. I must have just stepped on a piece of glass. Really it's fine. Don't worry." I try to say calmly but it comes out in a frantic rush.

"It isn't okay, and I will worry Katniss! I did this to you, I hurt you! I could have killed you! It's not okay, stop saying that it is!" He says this as he picks me up swiftly and walks me into my bedroom. He sets me on the bed and goes into the adjoining bathroom. A few moments later he comes back out with a first aid kit and some towels.

He sits down and pulls my foot up onto his lap. "I'm going to try to get the shards of glass out of the cut okay?" he says. I nod my head in reply as he begins digging the pieces of glass out of my foot with some tweezers. I grip the bed sheets and wince as he does so. "I know, I'm sorry. Just a few more okay?" he says gently. He pulls out the last few pieces and I sigh in relief as he smears some sort of cream over the cut that immediately soothes it.

"Thank you." I tell him but he only nods and stands up to leave. "Where are you going?" I ask him suddenly.

"I think I should maybe spend the night in my own house, Katniss." He says. I am immediately hurt. I get up off the bed and run and lock my arms around him.

"No." I say. "No, you can't. Don't leave me, please Peeta. I need you. Please no." but he doesn't wrap his arms around me. He stands there, staring at the far wall.

He begins to walk away. I let go of him as tears begin running down my face at full force. "I'm sorry Katniss." He says as he walks out my bedroom door. With that I throw myself onto my bed, which feels too big without another person next to me. I stay there for hours, until darkness falls. I eat nothing, I do nothing.

**Please tell me what you think and whether or not I should continue by leaving a review! Thanks!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello all you amazing readers! This will unfortunately be my last update until Monday. I am headed up to my friend's cottage for the weekend and will have no internet! Remember to follow and/or favourite if you like what you are reading!**

**I do not own The Hunger Games or any of these characters. They all belong to the amazingly talented Suzanne Collins!**

I wake up before the sun rises. I hardly slept at all last night, and when I did sleep it was filled with horrifying nightmares of Peeta. Every single one of them I lost him in some way. Every single one caused me to scream out in the pain of it all. I had no one beside me to comfort me. No one to protect me in the darkness of night.

I slowly walk down the stairs without showering for the first time in a few weeks. I walk into the living room and begin to build a fire in the fireplace that sits on the left wall. When the fire is warm and bright I lay down one of the blankets that are normally hung on the back of the couch onto the floor and sit down on it.

I soak in the heat radiating off the fire and attempt to forget about Peeta. Forget about how he left me. Forget about how he walked out that front door and didn't come back. Forget about how lonely I have felt. Forget about how much I love him. Unfortunately, I fail.

I begin to think about the few good memories I have of Peeta from the last 2 years or so. Being on the roof of the training center with him, on the beach during the quell, even all those nights on the train during our victory tour. I think about how much he meant to me even then, even when I didn't know it.

Now that I do know, it is unbelievably hard to imagine him not being here with me. I sit on the blanket for hours, not eating, only moving to go relieve myself now and then.

When I hear my door slowly creek open I don't take my eyes off the fire. I don't show any emotion, even when he comes to sit beside me. He sits there for a few minutes before getting up to go clean up the kitchen. A few tears roll down my cheek.

I don't understand, I used to be so good at hiding any and all emotion. When it's about Peeta though, they are so strong that even I can't keep them inside.

He brings me a plate of something and sets it in front of me. He gently instructs me to eat but I do not obey. I do nothing but sit and stare into the flame. The flames that were meant to represent strength, leadership, and rebellion against the capitol. All I see is danger, death, and destruction.

When he makes a move to stand up and leave I grab his arm and force him to stay sitting with me. He looks surprised at first, as this is the first time I have acknowledged him tonight but when I lean into him he accepts and folds his arms around me. I exhale deeply at the relief of not being rejected and relax in his arms.

"I love you." I whisper so quietly that I figured there was a good chance he didn't hear. He of course did though and quickly flips me around so he is staring into my eyes. Once again I am transfixed with his eyes and cannot look away.

"What?" He says. I know he hears exactly what I had said so I give him a slight scowl and this makes the corners of his lips turn up. "Come on Katniss, I didn't hear you, what was that?" he asks, his grin becoming even bigger.

"I- I love you." I say, very unsure of myself this time. With that his lips crash into mine in a fit of passion. He stays glued to me for several minutes before breaking away and planting soft kisses down my cheek, neck and shoulders. "Please don't leave. I can't live like that. Please, please don't leave." I beg with a few soft tears running down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry Katniss. I just absolutely hate that I hurt you like that." He says picking up and examining my bruised wrist. "I can't live knowing I hurt you."

"It hurt more when you left." I say quietly, still in his arms. He sighs deeply and runs a hand through his hair. "It will get better. I know it will. Easier. I will talk to Dr. Aurelius so he can tell me the best way to handle things when it gets bad. We can do this Peeta. Just promise me you won't leave."

He thinks for a moment before responding. "Alright fine Katniss, I won't leave. But you need to promise me that you will do anything you need to stop me from hurting you. Kill me if you need to, just find a weapon and hide. Leave and go to Haymich's house. Do what you need to do. Do you hear me?" he asks.

"Peeta, I can't, I can't hurt you… I…" He cuts me off.

"No Katniss you have to. Don't worry about me, worry about keeping yourself alive. Do you understand? I do understand what he is saying but I can't say that I agree with it. If it came down to it I could hurt him, but I really don't think I could kill him. In-fact I know I couldn't kill him.

"Yes." I reply simply. I think it would be best to go along with it. That will give him a little bit of piece of mind. What he doesn't know won't kill him.

"Now how about we go upstairs into your bed? I don't really want to sleep on the floor if I don't have to." He tells me with a slight smirk. I slowly nod my head and before I know what is happening he picks me up and starts carrying me towards the stairs.

"Peeta!" I say with a slight giggle. "Why are you carrying me?" I say in mock- frustration.

"Your foot." He says simply. I groan at this. It is cut, not broken or even sprained. I know that he would refuse to let me down anyway so I drop the subject. Instead I lean my head against his chest and relax.

When he drops me gently onto the bed I look up at him again. "When did you become this beautiful?" he asks me.

"Uhh I'm not sure…" Had I said that to him, he would have come up with some witty remark. I just sit there looking awkward and unsure of my words. He chuckles quietly and bends down and captures my lips in a kiss.

He lies down beside me and scoops me up in his arms again. "I missed you so much last night." He says with a sigh. "Did you have many nightmares?" he asks. I simply look down at the bed beneath me. "Of course you did. I'm sorry." He says. He raises my chin up so I am looking at him again.

"As long as you're here now." I say contently. "They were all about you, you know." I say quietly reliving last night's nightmares.

"The dreams?" he asked, confused.

"Yes. I lost you in every single one. I watched you die over and over and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it." I said in a flat tone.

"I'm okay. That's all that matters right? And I will be here when the nightmares come tonight okay? I promise." He tells me soothingly and he sticks to his word. I wake up 3 times that night, screaming and kicking. He calms me after every single one.

The next morning I am greeted by the sound of Peeta's voice, rousing me from my deep sleep.

"Katniss, love. Wake up. It is quarter after eleven. Come eat some breakfast you must be starving." And I realize I am. I slowly emerge from under my nest of blankets and see Peeta hovering overtop of me.

"There she is." He says as he leans in to kiss me. "I was worried you would sleep for the rest of the day." He said with a smile. "And I would be very, very sad if I didn't get to see those beautiful eyes today." He says in mock- sadness. He sticks out his bottom lip and I can't help the grin that spreads across my face. What has put him in such a good mood this morning?

"Fine. What's for breakfast?" I half whine. He smiles and helps me up and off the bed. At least he didn't pick me up again.

"Waffles, fruit, and I even made up a batch of cheese buns." And I know from the smell that has come wafting up the stairs that it is the truth. I am so hungry from hardly eating anything the last two days and I can't wait to get my hands on one of those cheese buns. As we sit down at the table and begin to eat Peeta slides his chair over and plants a kiss on my cheek.

"What has gotten you in such a good mood this morning? It's a far cry from when you walked through my door last night." I ask him. He looks at me and grins.

"Well, a couple things really. First, the girl of my dreams confessed her love to me last night, and I could not be happier about that." He says. I quickly look away but he forces my eyes back to his. "Plus, there is something else." He says and I wait for him to continue. "I bought the bakery back. I'm going to fix it up and run it. Its going to be amazing Katniss. Maybe you can even come and help out." He says. I can tell he is excited by the tone in his voice. He has that 'little kid in a candy store' kind of glint in his eye too.

It makes me really happy that Peeta is doing this. It will give him something to do, to keep his mind off of other things. Maybe it will even help with his flashbacks somehow. I will have to talk to Dr. Aurelius. "Please Peeta, as if you would want me any where near that food. Anything I touch I either mess up the mixture, or burn in the oven." He looks at me and grins.

"You wait. I will teach you and you will be as good as me in no time." I shake my head back and forth at this because I know I will never be anywhere close to as good as Peeta.

"So, I was thinking about going hunting or maybe just a walk first. I doubt I will be any good with a bow any more. It has been a long time since I last hunted.' I tell him as we begin to wash the dishes we have dirtied.

"That sounds wonderful and I am positive that you will be just fine with that bow. I don't think that's something that you can easily loose." He tells me and kisses me on the cheek as he wipes his hands dry on a towel. "I will see you tonight. I have to check and make sure everything is ready to start building tomorrow."

"Alright, good bye." As he walks out the door he turns to me.

"Katniss?"

"Mhmm?" I mumble back from the kitchen.

"Be careful out there okay?" I look back at him and nod. He walks out the front door with a pair of sneakers and a light coat on.

I walk up the stairs quickly and throw on my father's old hunting jacket, and boots. I grab my bow and sheath out of the closet where they have been neatly kept for the past several months and head out into the sunny fall day.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey! I'm back and had an excellent weekend and hope you did too! Well I guess I won't make you wait any longer so here goes chapter 5! Please dont be afraid to speak your mind in a review!**

**I own nothing from the Hunger Games. Everything belongs to Suzanne Collins**

As I slowly walk up to the spot in the fence I had always crawled through I momentarily pause and hesitate. I think to myself that maybe this was a mistake and that I can go home and never look back but I realize I can't. I realize that there is nothing more I want to do right now than feel calm and at peace in the one place that I know I can.

So, I dive under the fence and run as fast as I can through the meadow and into the forest. The meadow is a whole different story and I am convinced I can't handle that yet. I creep through the forest, headed in no particular direction. Simply enjoying the quiet sounds of the animals near by.

I listen to the mockingjays, far up in the trees. I sit on a rock near by and listen to them sing for what must be hours. They remind me of the sweet little girl Rue, and how much I loved her. All the memories come rushing into my mind at once and I can't handle it any more. I quickly jump from the rock I am sitting on and run from the sound. It is all around me though and there is no escaping it.

Finally they quiet down enough for me to be able to find my way to my father's lake. I sit on the bank, looking out onto the water and silently mourn for all those lost. For the first time I find I am able to mourn them without feeling depressed or sad. Instead I remember all the good things about them and celebrate the life that they had, even if it was short. I find myself smiling or even laughing from time to time, just to myself, remembering some of the good things that happened in their life time.

I think of Finnick and Annie's wedding and how amazing it was. How absolutely perfect. I think of how it would have been even better had Peeta been able to come. I know he would have been ecstatic for the two of them.

This gets me thinking of our relationship. I really don't know what we are. _Are we dating?_ No, that didn't seem like the right word. What Peeta and I have is more than that. He practically lives at my house. I really should have him move his belongings in and make it official. If we begin living together though, then what comes next…

My mind automatically brings marriage to the front of my brain but the thought paralyzes me in a fear so deep rooted that I don't think there is any way of moving past it. Marriage makes things so much more real. Telling Peeta I love him was scary enough, admitting it to myself more than anything. Loving someone means that I have to worry about loosing them, like I did my father, like I did Prim.

I can't loose Peeta. He is the absolute last thing I have left. The last thing I have to hold onto. I will never let him go. With this I begin to realize that if I lost Peeta tomorrow, whether we were married or not I would feel the exact same way.

I suddenly become aware of the looming darkness that has begun to draw in and realize it must be quite late. I begin my walk home when the rain starts. Fat, wet droplets begin to pour down from the sky at such a speed that I can hardly see 3 feet in front of me. I sprint the rest of the way home, knowing the way so well that I don't need full vision to know exactly where I am.

As I finally reach the porch of my house in the Victor's Village I race up the stairs and throw the door open as a huge crack of thunder crashes outside. Immediately I notice Peeta jump out of his spot on the couch and run and throw his arms around me as he yells my name.

"Where were you? I was so worried, I figured you would be home for dinner but then you didn't come home and it started to get dark and it started to rain. Oh Katniss, I'm so glad you're alright." He says all at once while squeezing me even tighter and becoming soaking wet himself.

"I know. I-I'm sorry Peeta. I lost track of time I guess." I say between chattering teeth. I am freezing cold and soaking wet and all I want is to be warm again.

"Shh… I know. Look at you, you're shivering. Come upstairs and get into something warm and dry." He says as he leads me up the stairs and into my bedroom.

I slip on some thick track pants and a large sweater. We head back down stairs and I sit in front of the fire as Peeta attempts to ring out my wet hair with a towel.

"What had you so preoccupied out there?" He asks me quietly. I sigh and lean back against him as I think of all the different things that went through my mind today.

"Do you want to move in Peeta?" I say avoiding the question in a way, but still being truthful. "I mean, you practically live here already. I just don't see the point in you having to go over to your house to change and shower everyday. I have plenty of room." I say and turn around to look at him. He locks his arms around me tightly.

"I would love that." He tells me quietly. I smile and turn my attention to the fire again as I turn and lean back onto him again. "Is that what you were thinking about in the woods? Surely that can't be it." He says in a knowing voice. He knows me much too well.

"Well, part of it." I say simply, hoping he would drop it. Of course he doesn't.

"You know you can tell me anything right?" he whispers with his mouth pressed against my ear.

"Yes." I reply.

"Do you trust me?" He whispers again.

"Yes." I repeat.

"Please tell me what had you so side tracked out there."

"Just, everything. Everything came crashing down on me the second I got to the fence. The war, the games, the people who died because of me. I got to thinking about love and the people I love. Almost all of them are either dead or… distant." I sputter. He nods his head, silently encouraging me to keep going. "You're the only one left Peeta. The only person I truly love. I can't loose you." I say with a sigh.

"What makes you think you will loose me?" He looks at me with confusion in his eyes.

"I don't know… I lost everyone else I love… what's to stop it from happening to you?" I say as I rest my head on his shoulder. He kisses me several times on the top of my head.

"We have each other and that's all that matters right now. Maybe we could invite your mother to come and stay with us for a while." He says but I immediately respond.

"No." I said stubbornly.

"You are going to have to talk to her sometime you know Katniss." He says quietly and begins running his hands through my hair again.

"Yes, well, not right now. Not for a long while." He looks down at me cautiously, sizing me up maybe.

"Alright. Whenever you're ready." He pauses. "What about Johanna? Or maybe Annie? Katniss, I think you need someone else to talk to in your life besides me." He says. I find this slightly offensive at first but then come to realise that he really is the only person I talk to.

"I talk to Sae quite often!" I say accusingly. "And people around town once in a while." I say a little more timidly. I know that this is bullshit and he knows it too.

"I mean really talk, Katniss. Like you and I are right now. Not just friendly small talk." I frown and sigh in defeat. He chuckles lightly at this and pulls me away from him slightly to look at me. "Would you like to head up to bed now?" I nod sleepily as I feel the exhaustion of the day sweep over me.

He helps me up off the floor and holds my hand as we walk up the stairs together. We get dresses and slip into the cool bed as he wraps me in his tight grip as he does every night. "Can I finally start calling this our bed? And our room? And our house?" he says from behind me.

"Yes." I say with a chuckle and a smile on my face.

"Good. You have no idea how many times I have caught myself almost saying that. I just didn't want to until it was official. I will bring my stuff in tomorrow." He tells me. "Are you going to go hunting again tomorrow or will you be home?"

"Home." I say. "I have had enough hunting for a few days. Baby steps right?"

"Baby steps." He repeats, and we both fall into a sleep no different from any other. Nightmare and horror filled. I don't think that will ever completely change.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello again everybody! First off, thank you so much to my latest reviewer! You rock! I really do need some feedback here guys because I honestly have no idea if my writing is any good. So please, please, please leave a review if you can! Secondly, I know it has been a lot of sad mushy stuff lately but I promise there is good stuff to come! Well here you go guys, chapter 6!**

**I own nothing. The Hunger Games and all characters belong to Suzanne Collins.**

The dream is bad. Very bad. It's a dream that paralyzes me when I wake, rather than causing me to scream, kick or thrash around the bed. A dream that Peeta does not comfort me from, as he does not awake. I stay with my eyes wide open, simply staring at Peeta's chest that is right in front of me until I notice a faint glow of the rising sun pouring through the window.

Peeta begins to stir beside me but I do not move. Moving hurts too much. I stay with my eyes fixed forwards. I am aware of almost nothing but the constant pain that is radiating from my very core, the deepest darkest part of me and spreading into every crack and crevice of my being.

"Morning beautiful." Peeta says once he realizes that I am awake beside him. I give him no acknowledgement and continue to stare blankly. He lifts my chin so that I am looking him in the eyes. "Katniss?" He says with a bit of worry in his voice. "Katniss!" He says now the concern is written all over his face.

He begins gently shaking my shoulders as he rolls and hovers overtop of me. He begins yelling, screaming my name in an attempt to get any sort of reaction out of me. To awake me from this spell, but it fails. I continue not to move but stare directly into his eyes now, trying to find any sort of strength that I can use to bring myself out of the darkness.

_**Peeta's P.O.V**_

Katniss. The most beautiful, amazing, selfless, loving person in the world. My Katniss. I see what looks to be her, lying on the bed under me, but is not. I yell her name looking for any sign of the girl I love but find nothing. "Katniss… honey I need you to come back. I need you to tell me what's wrong. I know it's hard, and it hurts but I need to know. I have to help you." I say in what is now a quiet voice.

She does nothing but stare into my eyes with a blank expression on her face. The only thing I see in her eyes is emptiness.

I quickly roll off of her and jump off of the bed. I pace back and forth for a moment, gathering my thoughts. "Katniss sweetheart, I will be right back okay? I promise." I say gently and bend down to kiss her forehead.

I leave the room in an unsteady jog and head down the stairs and into the kitchen where I find the phone that is hanging on the wall. I pick it up and dial a number I have come to memorize over the past few months. It rings twice before he answers.

"Hello, this is Dr. Aurelius." I hear him say clearly through the phone.

"Hey doc it's Peeta." I say with a twinge of urgency in my voice.

"Peeta? What's wrong? What has happened?" He says, just as urgent.

"It's Katniss…"

"Is she hurt? What's wrong Peeta? You need to tell me."

"I don't know what's wrong, that's part of the problem. I just woke up, and she was awake beside me but she wouldn't speak, wouldn't move. She just stares ahead with a blank expression on her face, absolutely no emotion in her eyes. I need to help her, how can I help her doctor?" I tell him as quickly as I can.

"Peeta, you need to slow down. Is her breathing and pulse normal?" he asks.

"Yes, I checked both."

"And she is not responding at all?"

"No."

"Alright, I am going to send some medicine that you need to make sure she takes okay? I have a feeling something has triggered her depression again. The train likely won't arrive for another week or so though Peeta so in the mean time you have to make sure she eats and drinks. You have to be there for her. Make sure she knows that too." He tells me in a serious tone and I listen to every instruction he gives me.

"Doctor, is there any way that you can come down here yourself? I don't know if I can do this, I don't have any idea on what to do… it's never been this bad."

"No, unfortunately I am extremely busy in the capitol at the moment. You will be fine though Peeta. I will always be only a phone call away and I will be here to help you in any way I can."

"Alright. Thank you Dr. Aurelius." I say and soon after hang up the phone. I stay standing there for several minutes, focusing myself and straightening out my thoughts. How could this happen, after all the progress she has made? I suppose she will never be perfect, never be completely whole but I had really thought that she was happy again.

I quickly run into the kitchen and quickly whip up a quick plate of food for Katniss. I have to make sure she eats, make sure she is healthy.

I take the plate upstairs along with a glass of orange juice and walk into our bedroom. I had moved in 2 weeks ago and everything had been great. I loved living with Katniss, and being home with her.

I walked over to the side of the bed that I sleep on and notice that she hasn't moved an inch since I left her. She is facing away from me and her body is slightly curled, her hands clenching her abdomen.

"Katniss sweetheart, I brought you some breakfast. I need you to eat this for me. Can you do that?" I ask her gently as I rub her shoulder soothingly. When there is no response I get extremely worried. "Come on, Katniss." I say as I move her towards me and prop her up slightly against the headboard.

I pick up the plate that is resting on the small table beside me and pick up a fork full of eggs. I bring it to her mouth but she doesn't open her mouth to eat. I set the plate back down on the table. I desperately grab one of her hands in mine and turn her head so she is looking at me again.

"Katniss. Please, please let me help you. Let me in. Talk to me." She makes no noise but I see a tiny something in her eyes. Pain. It's not good, but it's something other than nothing. "Hey, okay so maybe not talking. Can you squeeze my hand then? Just a little? Just to tell me you hear me." At this her hand begins to tremble slightly in mine but I feel it. The slightest bit of pressure in the centre of my palm.

"That's my girl. That's right. I love you. I love you so much." I tell her as I kiss her forehead gently.

After this she begins to allow me to slowly feed her small amounts of food. Her squeezing my hand becomes a small way of communication. When I ask her a question and she squeezes I know it means a confirmation of some sort.

On the third night of this I come into our room with her plate of food as I have the past two nights and notice something right away. She has moved from the position I had last left her in. This means that she moved on her own. I smile when I see her and begin talking to her as I normally do, even though I have no responses back. I desperately wait for the train to come in and Katniss is able to take her medicine.

"Peeta?" she whispers hoarsely the night before the train is due to arrive. The sound of her voice both startles me yet also fills my entire body with a sense of hope.

"Yes love," I say as I quickly turn and take both her hands in mine and hold them up so I can kiss them. I stare into her deep grey eyes, looking for any sign of emotion.

"It hurts." She whispers again, and with that my heart shatters into a million pieces. It kills me inside. I envelope her into my arms in such a strong grip that I'm sure I must be crushing her. Streams pour down my cheeks and I kiss the top of her head over and over again.

"I know, I'm sorry. I wish I could take it all away, every bad memory, and every bad thought. I would do anything to see you happy again." I choke out between sobs. She is trembling so hard against me yet her body stays limp, her eyes dry and emotionless. "I'm sorry." I whisper against her over and over. We stay like this long into the night.

The next morning when I awake I slip out of bed and head straight into the bathroom and shower. I dress in simple clothes and head out the door with a silent goodbye to the still- sleeping Katniss. I practically run all the way to the train station and wait on the platform patiently for the train to arrive.

I talked to Dr. Aurelius last night on the phone and told him of what had happened. He had instructed me to make sure she took one of the pills that he had sent everyday, maybe more later on if he thought necessary. I hoped desperately that the medicine would help Katniss in some way.

At the same time however, I feared that the medicine would affect her in other ways. I didn't want Katniss to change from her normal self, I only wanted for her to be healthy and happy. Now, standing on this platform I realize that I have to try the medicine, no matter what the side affects are. I need her to get better.

The train rolls up and I pick up and sign for the small package that says my name on the white label. I walk back to victor's village slightly scared yet hopeful too.

I open the front door of the house and walk into the near by kitchen. I fill a tall glass with water and head up the stairs. I walk into our bedroom and find Katniss where she has been for the last week, curled up in the bed in a mess of sheets and blankets.

"Katniss, sorry that I didn't tell you when I left this morning. I had to go out and pick up your new medicine, see?" She moves her gaze upward slightly and her eyes lock onto the small pill in my hand. I walk over and sit next to her on the bed. "They are nice and small, and easy for you to swallow. They are going to help you out a lot. I promise." I tell her, trying to keep my voice smooth and calm. I drop the white pill into her hand and she rolls it around her fingers for a few moments.

I move the glass of water towards her and she begins trembling. I wrap my arms around her securely and whisper in her ear, "Hey, it's alright. You're safe, I'm here. Please trust me." And with that she opens her mouth and swallows the pill while squeezing her eyes closed tightly.

"Amazing. You are so amazing." I tell her as she relaxes in my arms. I lay her head down onto the pillow and we lay there for hours, in each other's arms hoping for the best.

**Thanks again everyone! Please review! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello again! Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I am glad you like the way I am turning the story! I know this is a really fast update but I had this chapter written and ready to go so I figured I would upload it now! Anyways, here is chapter 7!**

**I do not own anything. All characters belong to Suzanne Collins**

I feel it spread through my body. It envelops me entirely in only a few minutes. What I have been feeling the last week was a mixture of absolutely nothing, and a deep intense pain that only came through once in a while, whenever I let my guard down.

I try desperately now to bring back that nothingness, the lack of feeling, the numbness. I try to bring it back because what I feel now is so much worse. The small, intense sparks of pain I felt before were nothing compared to this. They were nothing when I could simply will myself to stop feeling. I had lost that ability now though.

I don't know what the desired effect was with this medicine. All I knew was that it couldn't be this. All I do now is feel. I feel every emotion, I relive every memory. It wouldn't be so bad if I felt happiness or joy along with these other feelings but it doesn't happen.

My past experience with Capital medications has taught me that it always surprises you. It always does something you wouldn't have imagined. When you think about it, the concept isn't entirely unbelievable. A medicine that makes someone feel all emotion when they have been struggling with not being able to, makes sense. Theoretically the person would be able to overcome the dark state of numbness after having that same numbness completely taken away. I suppose theories aren't always true though.

The dream plays through my head over and over, continually stuck on repeat. I begin to chant words like _no, Prim, stop, help _I even begin whispering the names of people that I need right now. People that I need to be standing next to me telling me that it is alright.

I begin screaming, kicking, thrashing around the bed. I try to find some sort of reality but it is like one huge dream, which I can never wake up from. I am no longer in the nothingness I have come to miss. I now feel every single emotion with such intensity that it burns through my skin.

_**Peeeta's P.O.V**_

It was about an hour after she had taken the first pill. We had simply been laying together, my arms around her, waiting for something to happen. I look down often, to look for any sort of change. All I see for quite a while is her, staring at the far wall. Eyes wide open, yet not exactly alert. I hug her closer.

Then, all of a sudden there is a change. She begins trembling, hard, in my arms. I try to sooth her, I whisper sweet things in her ear but nothing seems to stop the shudders that now rack through her body. I don't know what is happening and I don't know what to do.

"Katniss, honey? How do you feel? Talk to me babe." I tell her as she shakes in my arms. She begins making strange, small, barely audible whimpering noises. Humming almost. I look down at her, confused at the painful sounding noises.

She begins whispering things, words, names maybe? I can't tell until they become louder. Then I clearly hear the words she is slowly chanting.

"Prim, no, stop, Prim, please no! Stop, don't, please, not him, no!" With every word she becomes louder, shaking harder still in my arms.

"Katniss, no you are safe. Its okay, everyone is safe. I am right here. Its okay, everything is fine." I tell her as gently and calmly as I can. She is scarring me. This shouldn't be happening. The medicine was supposed to help her.

Her head whips around suddenly as if noticing me for the first time. She continues chanting; growing more and more upset, I can tell. I grab her face between both my hands and keep talking to her, looking straight into her gorgeous grey eyes.

"It's okay. Not real, not real, whatever you are seeing, whatever is happening inside your head it's not real." With this I see the first tear roll down her cheek. At first I take this as a good sign, even though I absolutely hate seeing her cry. But then it becomes a steady flow. She begins rocking back and forth slowly, still staring into my eyes.

I can see in her eyes that she is trying to fight it. Trying to fight whatever has plagued her mind. I can also see she is loosing strength. Then she starts whispering another name.

"Peeta." She says quietly. "Peeta, Peeta, Peeta please. Please help, make it go away Peeta help me!" She says in between sobs. By this time she is screaming. She begins to thrash around, kicking screaming with no particular target.

I quickly grab her and hold her against me in a vice-like grip, restraining her. I don't want her hurting herself. She continues to scream and thrash in my arms, all the while begging for help. Begging for relief from the never ending emotional pain.

"Hey, hey, shhh." I quietly coo to her. I silently decide that this will be the only way to sooth her. By riding it out. As she screams I suddenly hear the front door being opened and closed downstairs. There is a running up the stairs and suddenly a semi sober Haymitch comes through the bedroom door.

"What the hell?" is all he has to say as he takes in the scene before him. Katniss doesn't seem to notice him and continues to scream against me. She has stopped thrashing though and now continues telling me to help her as she sobs into my shirt.

"Shh, it's okay." I say quietly and over and over again. Haymitch silently walks over and sits on the edge of the bed. He knows about what has been going on this week. I called him once or twice to tell him. No matter how much he likes to act like he doesn't care I know he does.

"I gave her the medicine." I tell him quietly as Katniss rocks her head back and forth and clings to my shirt. Haymitch looks confused and surprised.

"I thought it was supposed to help her." He says seriously, a slight hint of anger in his tone.

"Me too. Katniss, you need to stop that. You are going to hurt yourself. Katniss stop!" I say as I notice that she has begun to dig her nails into her own skin. She only continues to press harder. I take her hand in mine swiftly so she can't reach the other arm.

"Can you watch her for a moment? I need to go make a phone call." I tell Haymitch quietly. He nods his head as I turn to Katniss.

"Hey, I have to go make a really quick phone call alright? I promise you I will be right back." With this she immediately begins speaking again.

"No! No Peeta don't leave! No don't leave me please! No, no, no." She says through sobs.

"I will be right back. You stay here with Haymitch. Hey, look at me." I say as I direct her eyes to mine. "I will come back. I will always come back. Do you hear me?" I ask and she nods her head. "Alright. I will be right back. Trust me." I say and she rests her forehead against my chest and more sobs come but she slowly loosens her grip on my shirt. I slowly stand up, and off the bed and leave her lying with her head on the pillow, Haymitch close by in case she tries anything. "I love you." I tell her with one small kiss to her forehead.

She buries her face in a pillow, trying not to scream as I leave the room.

I quickly punch in the numbers on the silver telephone and raise it up to my ear. It takes 3 rings before anyone picks up.

"Hello, this is Dr. Aurelius." Before I can even think I shout into the phone.

"What the hell is in those pills?!" I say with an obvious edge to my voice.

"Peeta? What's going on? How is Katniss?"

"How is Katniss? She is screaming bloody murder, kicking and thrashing and begging for me to help her! So honestly, she's not very well!"

"Hmm…" He says quietly, obviously thinking for a moment. I think I hear him writing something down as well. "Well this isn't a complete surprise but I certainly didn't expect for it to be so bad." He says.

"What? You knew this was going to happen? What are those pills doing to her?"

"Peeta, the medicine is designed to intensify her emotions. They are supposed to force her to feel things again. They bring out the emotions that she has been hiding for a long time. You need to give her time to adjust."

"Adjust? How can she adjust to reliving her nightmares over and over again?"

"She will get over them Peeta I promise. She needs to feel these things in order to heal. She has to feel the pain before she can feel happiness again."

"How can I help her? How can I relieve some of that pain?"

"The only thing you can do right now is be there for her Peeta. But listen to me when I say to take some time for yourself too. Go work on the bakery for a few hours here and there; just get out of the house. It's not good for you to be constantly worried about Katniss."

"Alright." I say weakly, defeated.

"She's going to get through this Peeta." He says calmly.

"I really hope so." I reply weakly and hang up the phone.

I walk back up the stairs and into the bedroom to see Katniss sitting up in the bed, Haymitch with one hand on her knee. Her head whips around to the sound of me entering the room and she leaps off the bed unsteadily and crashes into me. She locks her arms around me and lets the tears begin to fall again.

I slowly guide her back to the bed and sit down with her on top of me, her face to my chest. "How was she?" I ask quietly to Haymitch.

"Begging for you." He says simply. "What did the doctor say?"

"That it was to be expected, although not so bad."

"What the hell are they thinking?" He questions angrily.

"They want her to feel. That way she can sort through all of the emotions and get past them." I say.

"So what now?"

"We wait, and help her anyway we can." He nods his head and silently walks out of the room.

**Thanks and remember to review! **


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello again! I will be gone again this weekend so there won't be any updates until Monday night. I know this chapter is really short but I wanted to make sure to update once more before I left. So this is a bit of a slow chapter but I promise more to come next week! Please review!**

**I do not own the Hunger Games. Everything belongs to Suzanne Collins.**

I wake up in the middle of the night and immediately regret it. Not that it can be helped really, not that I have a choice, but being awake is so much worse than sleep right now. I really never thought I would hear myself say that.

The second my eyes open the weight of everything that has happened in the past days comes crashing down on me again, crushing me, and suffocating me. When I am awake everything is real. I can't tell myself it is just a dream because it isn't. The people who died, they were not a dream.

I don't know what to do with these thoughts, these feelings. While I have never felt surer of what I am feeling, it is what to do with them that I don't understand. I can pinpoint every emotion that comes across me; name it and its meaning. Sadness, hurt, guilt, grief, longing, misery, pain, anger, anguish, loneliness, none of which make me feel good or content. They all drag me under even deeper.

The only thing I hold onto is the sleeping man next to me. I gently shake his shoulders. I hate to wake him but I know he wouldn't mind. I need him here. He stirs and then opens his eyes, suddenly realising what is happening. His face contorts in confusion and worry quickly.

"Katniss? Is something wrong?" He asks me. I think about this for a moment. Yes, there are a lot of things wrong but I want to make him believe that I am okay, that I am strong even if I'm really not. I need to do this for him.

"No." I say but my voice cracks a little bit. "I was just wondering if it would bother you if I turned on the lamp." I say turning and pointing to the small lamp on my bedside table. He looks at me strangely for a moment.

"Sure Katniss, but why? It's three in the morning." I contemplate lying to him for a moment before deciding against it. I think we are past that.

"I just don't want to be in the dark." I say shyly. I sound like a child and it kills me but I speak nothing but the truth. The light gives me something to focus on, something to look at that I know will not transform into another nightmare.

Peeta quickly wraps his arms around me, but I stay facing towards the light so I can focus on it. A single tear rolls down my cheek. "I'm sorry." I whisper hoarsely.

"What could you possibly be sorry for Katniss?"

"I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry that you have to take care of me like a child. I hate it Peeta, I just want it all to go away." I say. I am sick and tired of these memories controlling my life, my thoughts, and my actions. I want to be me again but I am starting to think that may not happen.

"Shhh. Stop that. Stop being so hard on yourself okay? The things your feeling, they are all normal for what you have been through Katniss. Everyone handles things in different ways. You need to convince yourself that you will get better. You need to fight and be strong just like I know you can. You have to have the will if you are going to beat this thing okay? I'm right here and I am going to help you the whole time. I love you and I believe in you." I know what he means. I need to be willing to live to live happily. I have to have the drive to get through this thing and so I decide then and there that I have that will.

I turn around, and switch the small lamp off. "What are you doing?" He asks me curiously.

"Being strong." I reply confidently and slowly let my eyes drift shut.

For the next few days I take the pills once a day, in the morning usually. For the first hour or so after I take it I feel horrendous and even throw up. The images that rock through my brain cause me so much pain that it makes me nauseous. Peeta is there with me for every second of it though and I couldn't thank him enough for that.

I wake up crying or thrashing around at least once a night but that is certainly nothing new to Peeta. I have always had nightmares.

I sit now, in front of the fire as I do so often. Peeta walks through the door. He had been out at the bakery this afternoon, wanting to help out and check on the progress. He takes off his shoes and strides over to sit with me without a word. I lean against his strong frame and soak in his warmth. Peeta had a different kind of warmth than the fire that sat burning in front of me. A perfect, subdued warmth.

I feel tears begin to run down my cheeks silently as Prim's death suddenly worms its way into my mind. This happens often, my mind gets taken over by images.

Peeta's arms wrap around me tightly as my tears begin to become not so silent.

"Shhh." He whispers in my ear.

"I can't do it Peeta. I can't watch her die. I can't be strong when she is what is making me weak." I say as I bury my face into his neck.

"I know. It's okay. It's okay to let your guard down every now and then. As long as it doesn't control your life. It's okay to cry. You don't have anybody watching you anymore, you don't have to hide your emotions from any sponsors. You are free to feel what you feel. As long as you feel something, that's all that matters." He tells me quietly and I know he is right.

I sob now, completely letting myself go. I thought I understood what he meant the other night when he told me I had to be strong but I didn't, not until now.

I have to be strong and fight for the feelings, not against them. I have to push away that numbness that I so easily accept so often. The numbness is a place I cannot live.

"How do you do it?" I choke out through the tears that are pouring down my face.

"Do what?"

"You have been through everything and more that I have and yet you are so calm, so collected. I don't know… how do you not give into depression?" I say unsteadily.

"You. You are the only thing that stops me. Knowing that I wouldn't be able to be with you and talk to you, and take care of you when you need it. If you weren't here, I would probably be dead to be honest."

"Thank you for being here with me. I know I'm not the easiest person to live with." I say and we both chuckle lightly.

"I think it might be worth it." He whispers in my ear and then drags my head up to his and kisses me. I love it. The feel of his lips against mine is amazing.

Suddenly, images of Finnick and mutant reptiles crash through my head. Damn those pills! I wince and pull away from him quickly and cup my hands over my ears, attempting un-successfully to get the voices out of my head.

"Katniss, honey are you alright?" I hear him say as he rubs my back.

"Yeah just give me a moment." I say through rapid breaths. The images slowly fade away and I am back to the present. I relax my muscles and lean back onto Peeta.

"That was great. You did so well." He says quietly.

"How much longer do I have to take those pills for? I think I would be fine not to take them anymore."

"No, you have to take them for the rest of the week at least." He says and I know he is only following doctor's orders so I don't put up a fight.

"I made a stew today. You hungry?"

"Starving." He says from behind me and we both head into the kitchen to eat our dinner together.

**Review, review, review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Ahhhhh! You guys are the best! I came home this weekend to an inbox full of emails from fanfiction! You guys really made my whole weekend! Anyways, this chapter is a bit more fluffy and fun, a little break from all the dark stuff. School is starting tomorrow (noooooo) so I don't know how it will affect my updates but I can assure you I will not give up writing! Anyways, here is chapter 9!**

**I own nothing. All characters belong to Suzanne Collins.**

Peeta and I come up with ways of getting each other through the rough days.

I stop taking the medication about 3 weeks after I started them. Dr. Aurelius said that he was pleased with my recovery enough that he felt I didn't need them. I was glad to hear that I wouldn't need to take them anymore.

Stopping taking the pills didn't stop the grief I still felt for my sister though. Didn't stop the guilt from enveloping me every now and then. Didn't stop me from blaming everything on myself. Peeta tells me not to but I can't help but think that the people I love died because of me.

I am in the kitchen, making breakfast for Peeta and I. This is actually a rare occurrence but I wanted to do something nice for him. As I stir the eggs in the frying pan in front of me I am suddenly caught off guard as I feel arms circle around my waist from behind. I let out a small yelp and then giggle lightly as he kisses my neck.

"Did I, Peeta Mellark, just sneak up on _the _Katniss Everdean? That has got to be a first." He says quietly into my ear.

"Well I suppose you did and that is definitely a first."

"What were you thinking about? You must have been pretty deep in thought, what with my heavy foot steps. Not to mention the prosthetic leg." I laugh again.

"Nothing, to be honest. For the first time in a while my mind has been clear of any thoughts other than how perfect this morning has been so far."

"hmm. I love you so much." He mumbles into my hair. I giggle as he tickles my hips lightly.

"Peeta stop…" I whine.

"What is it darling? Don't like being tickled?" he says menacingly and I yelp and worm out of his grasp easily. I run into the living room but he soon catches up to me and picks me up off the ground and into his arms.

He drops me onto the couch but still pins me down so I can't move. He starts tickling again and I can't help but scream and laugh at the situation. I try to wriggle free from his grasp but its no use. He has me pinned and I am his to torture as he likes.

"Peeta… stop! Ahhh…." I scream in delight. He is laughing hard now too and can hardly keep a hold of me. I finally get out from under him and leap across the room, still laughing.

"Oh no you don't. You aren't getting away from me Miss. Everdean." He says as he turns toward me.

"Then come get me Mr. Mellark." I say and with that he is chasing me up the stairs and into our bedroom. He catches up and picks me up again but this time spins me around a few times. I lock my legs around his waist as his arms snake around my torso. I lean down and capture his lips in a kiss.

"You are going to be late for work." I say quietly, raising an eyebrow and smirking down at him.

" that your plan all along darling? Did you want me all to yourself this morning?" He says with his own grin playing on his lips.

"Maybe it was." I reply.

"Well in that case it wasn't your best." He says and presses his mouth against my ears. "Your eggs are burning." He whispers and I let out a small gasp and drop to the floor.

I run down the stairs and sprint into the kitchen and open all the windows and turn off the oven. I start waving all the smoke out the window as Peeta stands in the entrance to the kitchen laughing hysterically.

"You are not very nice." I say with the best scowl I could muster up. This only makes him laugh harder.

"Look who's talking sweetheart."

"Would you stop calling me those weird pet names? You sound like Haymitch." I tell him.

"Oh hey now. He only calls you sweetheart. I call you lots of different things."

"Yes and I call you Peeta. Nobody seems to know my name though." I say with a grin. I really don't mind when he calls me those names, I just like teasing him about it.

"I like expressing my love in whatever way I possibly can whenever I possibly can. That's all. Is that so horrible?"

"No… I suppose not." I say giving in. "Wait, does that mean that Haymitch is expressing his love for me every time he calls me sweetheart?" I say in mock-horror. We both break out into laughter again.

"I certainly hope not. If so, then I will have to ring his neck the next time I see him, you do know that don't you?"

"Why, Mr. Mellark. Are you jealous of Haymitch?" I say.

"If he is expressing his love for you then absolutely." He says as he leans down and kisses me. We laugh as we kiss at the absolute ridiculousness of the idea.

"I really do need to leave. You need to stop distracting me." He says as he rests his forehead against mine.

"I was thinking maybe I could come with you today. Maybe I could help out somehow? I'm sure there is something I could do without making a complete mess of it." I say, still staring into his deep blue eyes.

"You have no idea how amazing that sounds." He tells me. I throw out the burnt eggs and grab a few slices of a bread that Peeta had baked a few days earlier. I throw on my hunting jacket and boots and we head out together, eating our bread on the way.

We walk out the door hand in hand, and I lean into him slightly. We walk together through the Victor's Village and eventually come into the town, and soon arrive at the half- built building that will soon be the Mellark's Bakery. I honestly can't wait until it opens. Peeta will be so happy.

I also know that it won't be easy for him. Working by himself, without his family right beside him will be difficult. I am determined to be there for him though, to help him every way I can. When I don't think I can get out of bed in the morning, he is always there to comfort me and help me along with the day. It is the least I can do to do the same for him.

I immediately recognize and greet Thom. He has been back from 13 for a while now and has taken up the position of one of the head builders. He really has done an excellent job since returning.

"Hey Katniss! Haven't seen you in a while, how have you been?" He says, a twinge of worry in his voice. The last time he saw me I was likely simply wandering through town, like I did fairly often not too long ago.

"I have been alright actually. A lot better lately. How have you been?"

"Very well. The town is coming along, slowly but I really do think it has a bright future."

"Absolutely." I reply and Peeta leads me to the side of the building. "Alright what is my first job?" I say, looking up at him. He shows me how to do a simple job, painting some of the trim on the outside of the building in a simple white paint.

The rest of the day goes well. Peeta leaves me to go help out in other ways. I stick to my simple tasks that I complete with ease and at a high quality. By the end of the day though, I am exhausted from being out all day and truly grateful when Peeta tells me it is time to go home.

"Today was good." I say at dinner that night. Peeta is beside me, lightly holding my hand under the table. "I think having things to do through the day is helpful. It keeps my mind from wandering to things it shouldn't."

"I know it helps me. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Maybe you could come out more often, maybe even help out in the bakery when it opens." He tells me.

"That would be great if I knew how to bake." I say with a smile. With that he stands up from the table and takes both of our empty plates to the sink. When we have finished cleaning them he surprises me by pulling out a large mixing bowl and a bunch of ingredients that I know he often uses when he bakes.

"Were you planning on baking something tonight?" I ask him.

"I am going to teach you." He says pulling me against him and looking down at me.

"Very funny Peeta. You know I will ruin anything I touch." I say with a smirk.

He smiles back at me. "I don't believe that for a second. Now come here and let me show you. It will be good practise for when you help me at the bakery."

I roll my eyes but obey as I follow him over to the counter where all the materials are laid out in a neat row. He patiently tells me what ingredient to add, and how much. I mix up salt and sugar a few times and make quite a mess of the eggs that I attempt to crack into the large bowl. Never once does he get frustrated as he carefully scoops the shells out of the mix.

When I have finally managed to put together what looks to be a presentable dough he teaches me how to gently knead the dough, folding it over itself again and again. I get the hang of it after a while and he praises me. He is so gentle, so patient. I wish I was like that. I got frustrated several times making the dough. He soothed me and told me it was fine.

When the dough is finally in the pan and Peeta puts it in the oven I walk into the living room and throw myself onto the couch, absolutely exhausted. He soon creeps into the room and I scoot down the couch slightly so he can sit down. When he does I lay my head onto his lap and snuggle closer to him.

"You did great you know." He tells me after a few minutes.

"Are you kidding? I almost ruined it over 10 times."

"But you didn't and you learned from the mistakes you made. You will make a great helper at the bakery."

"We'll see I guess." I tell him.

We lay there in the living room for a long time. I fall into a peaceful sleep on his lap, with his arms around me. I feel him move and stand up at one point, to get the bread out of the oven I think but I lay there still, just thinking.

He comes back into the room with two slices of warm bread in his hands. He hands me one and I sink my teeth into it gratefully. I immediately recognize the taste but can't quite place where I had had it before. I look to him with a confused look on my face as I chew and swallow a few more bites. Then it hits me.

I immediately lean up against him wrapping my arms around his neck.

"I remember this bread." I say quietly.

"Me too." He says and leans down to capture my lips with his own. I think of that day, that I surely would have died on had he not given me that bread. I remember every moment we have had together since then and think of how grateful I am for that day.

We don't say anything else on the subject, there is nothing else to be said. We make our way back up the stairs where we climb into bed and snuggle into each other's arms.

**Please review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Woohoo! Chapter 10! What do you guys think of the story so far? To slow? Want more action? Tell me everything you are thinking in a review, even the bad stuff! So I am thinking I should be able to pull off a chapter every other day for you guys unless things get really busy but this is certainly my goal! Thanks again everyone for all your on going support and I hope you are enjoying reading!**

**I do not own the Hunger Games. Everything belongs to Suzanne Collins!**

I walk down the stairs of the house, still wearing my sleeping clothes from the night before. I didn't feel like getting dressed for some reason this morning. I slump my way down the stairs and into the kitchen to find Peeta making some sort of breakfast for me. To be honest though, I'm not very hungry.

"Morning, love." He says as I sit down at the table and lay my head down and hide my face with my arms. I mumble some sort of response to Peeta. He soon plates the food and walks over to sit beside me. His hands rub circles on my back.

"You okay?" He says with a bit of worry in his voice. I prop my head up in my hands with my elbows on the table.

"Yeah, just tired and not feeling well to be honest. Rough night." I say as he continues to rub my back. It feels amazing. I quickly rotate my body so that my back is facing him. "That feels great. Could you massage my back please?"

"Of course." He says as if he thought it would be absolutely ridiculous to think he would decline. He of course knew that it was a rough night. He had to wake me from all my nightmares.

I moan contentedly as he begins messaging my shoulders gently, but still hard enough to get all the knots out of my muscles. By the time he has finished he has taken care of my shoulders, neck, shoulder blades, and lower back. I swear he works magic.

"Thank you you're amazing." I say as I turn around to face the table again.

"Are you going to eat now?" He asks but I shake my head slowly.

"No I'm really not hungry. I will have something later I promise." He gives me a suspicious look but drops the subject.

"So, you coming to help out with the build today?" He asks while eating his eggs.

"No, I haven't been home all week and I really want to get some things done around the house. I'm also still really tired so maybe I can take a nap or something." We both know that won't really happen. I would never attempt to sleep like that without Peeta here. It's sad to think that I am so reliant on this man but I really am.

"Well alright. You have to eat though, alright? If you need me come find me at the bakery okay?"

"Sure." I say.

"Promise me you will do those things for me?" He says with a serious tone in his voice.

"I promise."

"Good." He says and pecks me on the forehead and heads for the door. "And get up and move around. Maybe go for a walk or something, don't stay cooped up in here all day."

"Okay. Have a good day Peeta."

"You too. I love you, bye." He says as he walks out the door but not before shooting me a worried glance.

"Bye." I say as he closes the door behind him. I briefly think about attempting to hunt again but immediately but the idea away because I really do not feel well enough to do much of anything today. As soon as I lay down on the couch in front of the fire place my mind begins traveling to places I try so hard to avoid.

I spend the day on the couch with silent tears rolling down my cheeks, thinking about the dreams that invaded my mind last night. Prim, in a pretty blue dress being captured by Snow and tortured and later killed. Finnick, hand in hand with Annie running from some sort of mutt the capitol created to destroy and manipulate them.

I even dreamt about Gale last night. This was new. I hadn't dreamt of him in a very long time. Last night however, I was tortured to know end by unexpected people popping up. Gale even kissed me in one of them but I avoid thinking about that one.

I briefly thought of taking one of the sleeping pills Dr. Aurelius had given me upon arriving back home but soon realize that is out of the question. I hate what they do to me. Yes, they put me to sleep, and yes they keep me asleep but they do not keep the nightmares away. Having nightmares and not being able to wake up is unbearable.

I finally get up off the couch around eleven in the morning. I go into the kitchen and pour myself a cup of tea. I sit at the island of the kitchen and sip my tea, thinking about how Peeta said I should get some air.

I quickly drink the rest of my tea, even though it is still very hot. I put the cup into the sink without washing it and head for the door, throwing on my jacket and boots and out into the crisp fall air.

As I walk down the front steps I suddenly realize that I am still in my sleeping clothes but soon forget as I tell myself it really doesn't matter. I start walking toward the meadow.

When I reach the large open space of green I walk into it and pick a spot under a large tree and lay down, resting my head on the soft grass. I inspect all of the flowers, birds, plants, and insects around me as I see them, picking out their every detail. I used to do this often when I was looking at a plant that I wanted to put in the small book my father had started.

Each time we added a new plant we took care to write down it's every detail, every single thing we could think of to describe it. The texture, colour, shape, number of leaves, whether or not it was poisonous, whether it had thorns, how tall it was, or how thick the stem would grow.

I think of how we did this so that none of them would be forgotten, and so that no one would miss judge the plant to see it. Each one has its own features and characteristics. There was always an intricately drawn picture to go with it, so that you would have a visual to look at just in case you needed to tell them apart.

I begin thinking of how similar these plants are to the people who I have lost during the war, and even before that. Not just the people I know but everyone who was lost. Everyone has a story, and everyone deserves to be remembered. They deserve to have people not forget them, or miss judge them.

The people who died need to be remembered, need to have every detail we can muster up recorded for people to read, and respect. The same way we didn't want to forget the plants or anything about them, I don't want to forget those people. Not one single detail.

I know now what I need to do. Something I hope Peeta and some others will be willing to help with. Something I hope I will be able to do, and heal from it. Something I have to do to be able to let go.

I slowly rise to my feet after thinking about the idea for several hours, in no rush. I walk slowly back to my home, feeling better than I had been this morning. I arrive into the empty house and collapse on the couch without even taking my coat or boots off. I almost immediately fall asleep.

When I wake I am drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. I had a nightmare but it wasn't a really bad one. I am still relived though when I feel Peeta's arms wrapped tightly around me, his words calming in my ear.

"Shhh its okay, I'm here." He says. I open my eyes slowly and realize I am still on the couch but I have been stripped of the coat, and boots. All of a sudden, a voice breaks through my thoughts.

"Is she always like this?" The voice says. I recognize it but I wasn't concentrating hard enough to know who it is. My head is still tucked into the crook of his neck and I feel him nod. I wonder who on Earth could be sitting with us in my living room until I slowly turn my head around to look at the mysterious guest.

When I see her I give a confused and surprised look, still groggy from the nap. She looks at me and smiles her toothy grin.

"Surprise!" She says, pretending to be excited as her face immediately slumps back down into a scowl.

Johanna Mason is sitting in front of me in my own living room and all I can think of is how Peeta is going to pay for this one.

**Thanks everyone and please review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello my amazing readers! Sorry this took a few days and thanks for sticking with me! Please keep the reviews coming! If I don't know what you guys like and dislike than I won't please anyone. Thanks again!**

**I do no own The Huger Games or any characters.**

I immediately wipe all signs of tears from my face and straighten up next to Peeta instead of being cuddled against him like a child as I was just moments ago. Johanna looks slightly amused by this but I give her a defiant glare. It is Peeta who breaks my gaze from Johanna when he speaks.

"Katniss, why were you in your boots and coat when you fell asleep? Are you still feeling sick? He asks me with concern in his voice.

"Peeta, why is Johanna Mason sitting in our living room without my knowledge, watching me sleep?" I snap back, mocking him. His brows furrow slightly as he answers.

"I invited Johanna to come and stay with us for a few weeks. Remember when I told you that you need to be close to someone other than me?" I nod slightly at the memory. "That's why I brought her. You guys used to be friends." He says.

"Come on Mockingjay. Not so happy to see me?" She says with a smirk on her face.

"Don't call me that and sorry to be blunt but no, not really." I really don't know why I am being so mean to Johanna right now but it's not like she hasn't done it to me. I am really not in the mood for company. "What time is it?" I say, facing Peeta. I will have to talk to him tonight, I think.

"It's 9 in the evening. How long have you been asleep?"

"Honestly I'm not sure but it couldn't have been much after 4 when I fell asleep."

"You haven't eaten dinner?" He asks. _No,_ I think,_ or breakfast, or lunch…_

"No." I blurt out quickly, attempting to answer only for dinner. He doesn't need to know that I haven't eaten anything today.

"You ate lunch though right?" He says and I say nothing. I drop my head and stare at my folded hands that are sitting in my lap. Damn. Why did he have to know me so well? "Katniss." He says with a sigh and quickly stands up and drags me into the kitchen after him. Johanna follows.

"Hey, I'm hungry too. You gunna feed me Bread Boy?" Johanna pipes in.

"Yes, you can have some too." Peeta says with a slight frustration in his voice. I'm not sure if I am the cause of that or Johanna. He pulls out some leftover stew from the night before and begins heating it on the stove as I sit at the table with Johanna. I still don't feel hungry but I have a feeling Peeta will force feed me the stew if he has to.

He brings over two bowls of the brown substance and sits next to me.

"Eat." He instructs. "and I mean all of it." He adds. I pick up my spoon and force a bite down my throat. It seems to stick as I try to swallow. I attempt a few more before setting the spoon down. Johanna has finished her entire bowl and has gone back for more by now. Peeta watches me for a few moments before picking up my spoon and forcing it back into my hand. I eat one more spoon full before I am sure I am going to be sick. It is not that the soup is bad, it is really quite tasty. I just don't feel well and am not hungry in the least.

After a few more minutes of me not picking up the spoon and Johanna finishing off her second bowl, Peeta sighs loudly and collects my bowl and spoon to be washed. After a while Peeta suggests we go to bed and I can only agree. Johanna says she will be up for a while yet.

We head up the stairs, me a few paces behind him. I follow him into our bedroom and I close the door behind me. Peeta stops walking and now stands in the centre of the room. I stand with my back to the door.

"You should have told me about Johanna." I say, cutting through the silence of the room.

"You wouldn't have let me invite her."

"No, I may not have but at least I would have some kind of warning." I hiss.

"I know but you were so bad last night and then again this morning. I couldn't add more to that."

"Having her show up unannounced in my living room didn't add to it?"

"Katniss, I'm sorry okay? I should have told you but I really do think it will be good for you to be around her. Just try to be nice okay?"

"Why, because she's nice to me?" I say in a sarcastic tone.

"I am sure you two will figure it out, now back to you. You never answered me. Why were you asleep on the couch with your coat and boots on?" he ask and I groan at how the conversation has been forced back to me.

"Because Peeta, I was tired when I got home. Is that so horrible?" I don't know why I am so irritable right now but I am and there is nothing I can do to stop that.

"Got home from where? You weren't at the bakery with me today." He asks confused, as if I couldn't have been anywhere else.

"I was in the meadow. Am I not allowed to go other places than the bakery now?"

"No, of course not. You went to the meadow? That's great Katniss!" I here him say and I give him a confused look. "What made you decide to go?"

"Nothing really. I was just drinking tea one minute and the next I was rushing out the door." I tell him.

"Well in any case that's good. I am happy you listened to at least one thing I said." He says with a little bit of frustration in his voice. I groan and flop down onto the bed.

"Can we please not argue about this any more? I am exhausted, irritable, and ready to forgive you. What do you say?" I say in a tired, clumsy voice.

Peeta turns towards me and the serious face that he was wearing before soon turns into a smirk. He quickly rolls onto the bed beside me and wraps his warm arms around me. "I'm sorry." He whispers into my ear.

"Me too." I say and with that we are both asleep. I will still find a way to make Peeta pay for bringing Johanna though. Even though I forgive him, I still hate that he brought her here. Sure, we may have been friends during the war but after that we grew apart. I have hardly even written a letter to her in the last few months.

I suppose there is a small part of me that is glad she is here though. A very, very small part.

The next morning I wake up with Peeta stirring beside me. I look to the window and see it is just dawn. Peeta always gets up early like this to get to the bakery. I can tell he is anxious to get it finished and up and running.

"Morning." I say sleepily as I stretch my arms and legs.

"Morning hun." He says as he rolls over to face me. He leans in and kisses me with more force than I would have expected. He makes a move to get up from the bed but I swiftly pull him back down towards me.

"You are _not_ going to leave me here with Johanna all day are you?" I say as the realization of what his leaving for work means for me.

"Well, yeah." He says quickly and moves away and stands next to the bed, looking down at me.

"Can't you take a day off or something? I don't think I can handle being alone with Johanna." I say with a slight smirk beginning to form on my face.

"Sorry love, can't help ya." He says as he turns and begins rummaging through his clothes.

"That's not fair. _You're _the one who brought her here."

"Katniss, really. You used to spend lots of time with her in 13. I'm sure you will be fine." I scowl and he turns and walks into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

Slowly I stand up off the bed and walk over to the closet. I throw on a pair of sweat pants and a light blue t- shirt and start brushing out my hair. This takes me a while, as it always does. I guess I thrash around in my sleep so much that it gets tangled to the point that the only thing that gets it unmated sometimes is a shower, and a large comb.

I finish brushing out my shoulder-length dark hair and set the brush back down onto the small table. I decide to leave my hair down for the day and I head down the stairs and into the kitchen. On my way, I noticed that the door to the guest bedroom was wide open, and a sleeping Johanna was sprawled out on the large bed.

She must have been up quite late last night. I thought I had heard the television come on sometime after Peeta and I had gone to bed. That is likely the first time it has been turned on since my moving back. I never use it.

I get a tea for myself and leave the rest on the stove for when Peeta comes down. I grab a muffin off the counter and sit at the table next to the window and stare blindly out into our backyard. It's empty really, other than the deck and the outside furniture that is out there.

Peeta walks in wearing his usual jeans and t- shirt that he does when he goes to help with the bakery. He smiles when he sees me and I give a small one back. He walks over to pour himself some tea.

"You look so amazing with your hair down. You should keep it like that and grow it out longer." He says suddenly. I turn to him and he looks at me again. "I mean it. I love how beautiful you look at any time but I just love your hair for some reason and like it when you leave it down." He says as he sits down beside me and begins playing with the tips of my hair.

I don't see what is so fascinating about it. It is a dull dark brown if you ask me, not like Peeta's captivating blond curls.

"I'll think about it." I say and he smiles, thinking he has won. He finishes his tea and heads for the door. I follow him and spin him around before he opens the door. He bends down and we share a long, passionate kiss. He lifts me off my feet slightly and glides his hands up and down the soft curves of my torso which sends shivers all through my body.

He finally sets me down and our lips separate but our bodies stay in a tight embrace. I love this man so much more than I ever thought I would be capable of loving someone after everything that happened.

He gives me one more peck on the forehead and spins around again and heads for the door. I hug my arms up to my chest, desperately trying to find that warmth again without success.

Johanna suddenly comes bounding down the stairs behind me.

"See ya Bread Boy." She says as she stands beside me.

"Bye Johanna. Take care of her today, make sure she eats."

"Sure thing." She says in reply. I groan at the fact that Peeta thinks I need a babysitter.

Peeta chuckles at this. "Bye, love." He says and he's out the door and I am stuck in the house with Johanna Mason for the day.

**Thanks again and review, review, review!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello, hello! Nice long one for you this time! I have to say I am really enjoying writing about Johanna! I love thinking about things she would say and do, with her witty personality. What are you guys thinking about her? I am I way off base with her character? Tell me in a review! Thanks again guys and please enjoy!**

**I do not own The Hunger Games or any characters.**

I stalk into the kitchen after Johanna, watching as she raids the fridge, searching for anything edible. I sit back down at the table, finishing my tea.

"You still hunt?" Johanna asks with a mouth full of bread making her words sound muffled.

"Once in a while. Why?"

"I wanna go. I don't want to be stuck in this house all day." I think about this for a moment. At first, my reaction is a solid no. I then start to think of the couple of times she came hunting with me in 13 and remember that she really is quite good. This might be semi- enjoyable after all. Well, more so than being stuck in a confined space with her for the rest of the day.

"Me neither. I only have one bow though." I say but suddenly realize this isn't entirely true. I still have my mockingjay bow stored away in a closet upstairs but I really would rather not use it. I am about to tell her this when she speaks first.

"I brought one, and a couple knives. I'm set." She says and I nod. "Just let me get dressed and I will be good to go." She tells me as she walks off in the direction of the stairs. I shake my head back and forth slightly at the thought that this may actually work out for the both of us.

She comes bounding down the stairs a few moments later wearing some warm looking track pants, a plain beige hoodie, and bow in hand. Her hair has grown back in a bit and is now loose and choppy around her face. She has soft bangs and she looks a lot healthier than she had in 13. I wonder for a moment if she still has her fear of water.

"Ready to go Girl on Fire?" She says as I walk towards her, scowl now on my face. "What don't like that one either? You seem to be fine with Peeta calling you _love, _and _darling_. You even let Haymitch call you Sweetheart! Why don't I get to call you anything?" She rants as we walk out the door.

"Because I am not the Mockingjay, nor am I the Girl on Fire anymore. Nobody seems to like to call me by my name." I scoff as I roll my eyes. As we walk I suddenly think of something. "So, how on earth did Peeta get you to come here?"

She chuckles at my question. "He called me a week ago, saying that he wanted to see me and that I should come visit. When I asked him what his game was he said he wanted me to come so you would have someone to talk to." I groan at this. Why does he think I need more people in my life? I am not a child.

"I really wish he hadn't. I can take care of my self." I mumble the last part.

"Well hey, at least he cares about you and wants to see you happy. I mean personally, I think it was the thought that was the thing that should count the most. I really don't know why I agreed. To get away from home I guess." She says and I realize she must be kind of lonely over there.

"You have friends back home don't you?" I ask her.

"One or two I guess but I'm not exactly the friendly type." I chuckle at this and so does she, knowing it is completely true. We soon arrive at the fence and hop over it with ease. We walk through the small meadow and into the thick bush. I start walking, very quietly, with Johanna behind me. I have my bow in hand, arrow at the ready. I hear a snap of a twig and a rustle of the bushes and take aim. I let my arrow fly, and it lodges into the eye of a large squirrel, clean and precise.

"You still got it, huh Mockingjay?" She says from behind me and I ignore the nickname this time.

"That's actually the best shot I've had since coming back. It took a bit to get back into, having not done it for so long. Even at that, I don't come out here nearly as often as I should. I just can't handle being out here alone for too long, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess that could be ruff."

We continue walking and soon come across some prints in a trail along the forest floor. They look to be deer, and by how clear they look I would say they are quite fresh. We spend the next hour or so tracking the deer, Johanna following the tracks, me with my bow ready behind her.

When we finally see it we both go completely silent. It is a large buck, muscular and strong. The grace and beauty of the animal captures me for a moment. I simply stand and stare at the creature taking in it's every feature. I suddenly don't want to take its life. I don't want to be the cause of another death. I lower my bow slightly but I here Johanna whisper from behind me.

"What are you doing? Shoot it!" She whispers, being as quiet as possible. I bring my bow back up, steadying it and taking aim. I know it is a deer, and not a human but I still hesitate before I let my arrow fly. When the buck drops I do to, kneeling on the ground as I look at my kill.

Thoughts of screaming children and silver parachutes flood my mind and I sit back, loosing my balance. I wrap my arms around my bent knees and simply stare at the deer. I do not cry, I do not scream. I only stare at what I think to be the proof that I am a monster. A monster that kills without thought, one that kills for pleasure, one who manipulates and puts fear into people's hearts.

I am suddenly aware of a voice talking to me, no screaming. I don't know who it is but they sound angry, frustrated maybe. I keep my focus on the dead ma… deer that is laying not fifty feet away from where I sit. He was so beautiful, so pure, and so innocent. He had a life ahead of him, maybe even a wife and kids? I am soon lifted out of my thoughts by someone blocking the path to my latest kill. It's a young woman.

She is staring into my eyes, shaking my shoulders. She looks angry and I give her a confused look.

Then it all clicks.

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. My home is District 12. I survived two Hunger Games and a war. Prim is dead. I live in Victor's Village with Peeta. Peeta loves me. I love Peeta. Johanna Mason came to visit yesterday. I went hunting with her today. I killed a deer. I thought the deer was a man…_

I repeat this over and over again in my head, trying to pull myself from my little dream land I had been in. I suddenly realize that I haven't done my lists since I left 13. I haven't done it in so long and yet I just did it here without thinking. It is surprising how much it helped.

I lift my head from where it had been tucked into my knees and look around me. Johanna seems to be gone. I dare not look at the deer as I stand and walk in the direction of home.

Where could she be? I remember seeing her in front of me, shaking my shoulders but then she was gone. Could she have gone to get Peeta? I really hope not, he doesn't need to see me like this.

As I reach the meadow I find Johanna walking into the large space from the opposite direction, coming towards me. She stops when she sees me and rolls her eyes and puts her hands on her hips.

"Well look who decided to join us in the normal world again!" She says as her arms fling up into the air. I say nothing and continue walking. I then see Peeta jogging up to the meadow behind Johanna. So my suspicions were correct. She went to find Peeta. I groan and give a glare to Johanna.

"Katniss!" He says as he throws his arms around me. I put my arms around him but not in the same needing way he did. "Johanna said that you… are you okay?" He says, slightly out of breath.

"Yes I am fine. I handled it myself. You didn't have to go get him Johanna." I yell over to her frustratingly.

"Hey, don't get mad at her for coming to find me when you needed help." He says to me, eyebrows furrowed.

"I can take care of myself!" I hiss, "So what if I lost myself for a moment, I got myself out of it didn't I?" I say, now angry.

"Katniss you know she was just trying to help. What if you hadn't gotten yourself out of it? What then?" He says, his voice still calm. I pause a moment and think about it. Why am I being so horrible to her? We used to be friends. We were surprisingly close during our time in 13, when Peeta was still undergoing therapy.

"Ug. I know, I'm sorry." I say and look down at my feet in slight frustration. "Thank you Johanna." I say in a voice just barely above a whisper but she hears me anyway and a huge smirk makes its way onto her face. "Go on back to work Peeta, I'm fine." I say quietly, my head against his chest.

"No I don't think that's the best idea. I took the rest of the day off anyway. Thom and the others have everything under control." I nod my head but then look toward Johanna.

"What about the deer?" I ask her. She shrugs her shoulders.

"I won't be able to carry it back on my own, but I don't think we want it going to waste either. If we are going to use it then we need to go get it now before another animal does." I completely agree with the fact that we can not simply leave it out there. The thought of it going to waste is horrible. I decide I can handle it.

"I'll go with you. We will be able to haul it."

"Are you sure about that?" Peeta says from behind me.

"Yeah, I mean it's the deer that freaked you out in the first place. I don't know if…"

"I can do it. Now come on, we have to hurry." I say, cutting her off.

"Do you want me to come with you?" He says, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"No. Go home and relax, it's fine. I'm fine." I say with as much determination as I can muster.

I wave for Johanna to follow me and we head off into the woods, leaving Peeta alone in the meadow. I need some time to myself. I need to stop relying on him so much.

"You're not the only one you know." Johanna says from beside me as we walk. I am immediately confused and give her a look that says so. "That has bad moment, bad days even." She says in a solemn voice, no real emotion. Just truth.

"How have you been doing?" I ask, slightly ashamed that I had neglected to ask for so long.

"Same as we all are. Scared, broken, always an underlying feeling of terror inside. Like any moment, everything could be ripped away." She says and I nod in complete understanding. It is that fear that held me back from loving Peeta, that continues to hold me back from thinking about a future with him and what that entails.

"I really am sorry Johanna. I have been horrible lately. I just haven't been myself in so long." I let my words hang for a moment, thinking about them myself.

"Don't worry about it, I haven't been much better." She says and it's then that I think that we have come to a sort of silent agreement. We are both broken and trying to heal. We understand each other in some weird, contorted way. As we walk up to the deer I remind myself of that.

"What did you see? When you shot the deer…" Johanna asks me, unsure of what exactly to say. We begin to prepare the deer for travel.

"I thought it was a man. I thought of it as just another life lost because of me." I say with my eyes fixed downwards.

"Still blaming yourself for everything that happened?" She asks a few moments later. I slowly nod my head up and down as we begin carrying the large buck back through the forest. It is heavier than I expected, but manageable with the two of us.

"You really shouldn't. It would have happened had you volunteered for your sister or not." I think about this for a moment. Yes, it likely would have happened, but I wouldn't have been involved to near the extent I was.

"Sometimes I still wonder if it would have been better had I not volunteered. My sister still would have died, and Peeta likely would have too. I guess that's why I always decide that this way was better, even if only slightly." I say with sadness in my voice.

"Slightly? Katniss, you wouldn't have Peeta at all. The games would probably still be going and children would still be dying. I would say that that is all way more of a price than what we paid. Yes, we lost people we loved, and yes a lot of innocent people died. I think that all those people would be happy though you know? Happy with the way things are now." She says and I have to give Johanna some credit. I have never heard her talk like this. I know the things she says are true but I don't think I will ever be able to stop playing things over and over again, trying to find a way to save someone, anyone.

"I know. I just wish…"

"We all wish Katniss, but what's done is done and no wishing is going to change that." She sighs. We walk the rest of the way back in relative silence, letting our conversation sink in. We walk into town and give the large buck to the new butcher that has just opened his business in the square. He is thrilled with the size and offers a large sum of money which I decline, only taking a few coins and a promise of some of the meat.

"Are we good Johanna?" I ask her timidly as we walk up the stairs to my home.

"Yeah, sure thing Mockingjay." She tells me and I roll my eyes slightly, simply to amuse her but say nothing else.

We walk into the house and I am immediately greeted by the smell of warm cheese buns and of course Peeta's arms wrapped tightly around me. I don't think I will ever get used to that.

"How did it go? Did you get the deer back alright?" He asks, still holding me tight against him.

"Yeah, went great. The butcher was thrilled." I say and he finally releases me from his grasp. I remove my boots and jacket and head toward the kitchen. "Cheese buns?" I say with a grin on my face.

Peeta laughs and says, "Yes dear, in the kitchen." I whirl around and plant a kiss on his cheek before heading into the kitchen to get my hands on one of the buns. Johanna soon follows and does the same.

That night in bed I lay next to Peeta, drinking in his warmth, knowing that my sleep tonight would be filled with dead bodies and blood.

"Are you going to tell me exactly what happened today? Johanna didn't tell me much." He says with his lips pressed against my ear.

I recount the day's events to him and he quietly listens behind me, nodding every once in a while. I have to say this is one of my favourite things about this man. He is the best listener in the world and I love him for it. When I finish he tells me that I did a good job handling it and that maybe it was a good sign. I nod.

"Did you and Johanna talk when you two went to get the deer?" He asks. I can tell he is not trying to pry too much but is too curious and hopeful not to ask at all.

__"Yeah we did." I say and he seems to take this to mean not to ask anymore questions. Just before we both fall into what is sure to be a fitful sleep I tell him, "Thank you for bringing her. I'm sorry I was so mad." It comes out of my mouth as merely a whisper but I know he has heard when his grip becomes even tighter around me.

It is as I predicted a ruff night, but we get through it together, just as we always have. I even think I hear Johanna call out a few times through the night, and contemplate checking on her before deciding against it. If I knew Johanna at all, I knew that she would not want comfort during something like that. She is one to ride it out on her own.

**Thanks again guys! Hope you are enjoying!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello again! I am so sorry for the long wait but this past week has been crazy for me! Super busy and all I have wanted to do when getting home is go to bed! Haha. Sorry if this chapter is a bit short I was rushing a bit because I really wanted to get another one out for you guys! Well, here you go! Chapter 13.**

**I do not own The Hunger Games.**

I open my eyes slowly, letting my eyes adjust to the early morning sun. I look out the window and catch sight of tiny white specks falling down, ever so gently from the sky. It some how fills me with happiness, to see the snow falling for the first time this year. It reminds me that time is still ticking, my life still moving forward.

"Peeta!" I say in amazement as I stare at the window on the far side of the room. He jolts awake and instantly thinks something is wrong. He wraps his arms around me tighter before I can explain.

"What, what's the matter?" He says quickly, but it comes out sloppy from his sleepiness.

"Nothing Peeta! Look." I say and point to the window. His gaze travels in the same direction as I point and he too stares at the lovely white flakes.

He lets out a satisfied hum before resting his chin on top of my shoulder. We stay like this for a surprisingly long time. A content smile plastered on both of our faces, we lay and think of all the good things in our lives right now. We don't do this nearly enough. We are always so focused on the bad things that we forget to appreciate the good ones.

"We should probably get up. Who knows what Johanna is doing down there by herself." He whispers in my ear after a long time. I chuckle lightly and roll over to face him, and away from the snow. He automatically captures my lips in a kiss. It catches me off guard but I am immediately glad he did.

"I guess so." I say and we both get out of bed reluctantly. We get dressed, me in jeans and a t- shirt, him in a pair of plain beige pants and a dark blue t- shirt. We head down the large staircase, his arm around my waste, and my head against his shoulder leaning against him slightly.

Johanna is at the kitchen table with what looks to be a plate full of eggs and bacon sitting in front of her. I look over and see a pile of dirty pots and pans along with other assorted dishes sloppily stacked in the sink.

"Make any for us Johanna?" Peeta pipes up quickly. She looks up from her food for a moment to look at us.

"Nope." She says simply and Peeta chuckles as he walks toward the counter to make something for the two of us. "You not going to work on the bakery today?" Johanna asks Peeta from the table as I walk over to join her.

"No, I don't work on Saturdays, sometimes not even Sundays." He says back to her.

"Well I guess I will have some company other than Miss Mockingjay, over here." Johanna tells him quickly as she smiles and nods towards me. I roll my eyes.

"Hey! I'm not that horrible to be around!" I say defensively but with a smile on my face. I look toward the window again and it captures my attention again. I stare out into the light blanket of white covering the ground until Johanna snaps me out of it with a hand waving in my face.

"Hellooo? Earth to Everdeen." She says with a confused, but slightly amused look on her face. I snap back and look into her face. Peeta walks up behind me, placing his hands on my shoulders.

"You alright hun?" He asks me.

"Yeah, just tired still I guess." I say quietly, timidly almost. "Sorry, what were you saying before?"

"We were just saying that we should go out into the snow sometime today. Go for a walk or something? See how the rest of the town is coming along?" Peeta says from behind me, now messaging my shoulders gently. It feels good and I lean into his strong hands, wanting more pressure on my shoulder blades.

"Sounds nice." I say, very relaxed now. Maybe too relaxed because I feel as if I could fall asleep again.

Peeta sets a plate of toast in front of me and I eat slowly. I'm not all that hungry but I finish. Peeta and I clean the dishes while Johanna meanders about the house, doing who knows what. I am silently grateful for the quiet. Talking is nice sometimes but I really do enjoy the simplicity of silence.

"You sure you're okay? You're awfully quiet this morning." Peeta whispers into my ear as his arms circle around me. He must think it is something I don't want Johanna knowing about.

"No, really I'm fine. I am just not in a talkative mood I guess." I reply. There isn't anything in particular wrong, I just feel quiet today.

"Alright. Have I ever told you I love you?" He whispers and kisses my neck softly.

"Mmhmm. Several times. On national television even!" I say quietly.

"Good." He says contently.

"Have I ever told you I love you?" I ask him in return. He nods his head up and down slowly.

"The first time you did was the best day of my life." He says simply.

"Well then, I guess I should say it even more often." I say and turn around to kiss him. "I love you." I say over and over again in between kisses and I do. I love him with all my heart.

"Are the star- crossed lovers finished or should I just go on out by myself?" Johanna says loudly from the other side of the room. We break our kiss, although reluctantly and walk over toward Johanna. I pull on my warmest coat, my hunting boots and some wool mittens. Peeta does the same and we are out the door.

I immediately gasp at the beauty of the snow. I always hated winter, because all it meant was a harder time trying to feed the family, but I don't mind it so much anymore. I am always relieved to get into the nice warm house but I still love coming out in the cool weather.

Peeta comes up beside me and wraps an arm around my waist. I suddenly think of something.

"Do you think Haymitch might want to come?" I ask Peeta. He shrugs his shoulders and says we can go and ask since it's on the way into town anyway.

We head out down the street, Peeta with his arm around me, Johanna walking a few paces ahead of us. It's really very cold out and I snuggle up as close to Peeta as possible, loving the warmth his body gives off.

We reach Haymitch's house in no time. I let go of Peeta and walk up the front steps and onto the porch. I knock loud enough so he would hear and Haymitch soon opens the door, liquor bottle in hand.

"Well good morning Sweetheart. I see Peeta dragged you out of that house today." He says while he waves down at Peeta who is standing on the sidewalk with Johanna. I scowl.

"He did not. I came very willingly, thank you." I reply. "We came to see if you would like to walk into town with us, maybe pick up a few things? Looks like you could use some cleaning supplies." I say while peeking my head around him to look into the disaster area that he calls his home.

"Nah, too cold. If you want to pick me up some more liquor though, that would be great." He tells me matter-of-factly. I groan but agree, telling him goodbye and heading back to where Peeta and Johanna wait for me.

"So?" Peeta asks me as he swings his arm around me once again.

"He wants us to get some liquor for him." I say, frustrated that our old mentor is still drinking his life away. Peeta just rubs my arm and we continue walking in the direction of town.

The snow is coming down hard now, almost blinding my vision. We get to where the hob used to be and duck into the nearest building, the bakery. I haven't been here in a few weeks and I must say, it is looking amazing. I gasp as soon as we walk in.

"Peeta…" I say and then hug him tightly.

"What do you think?" He asks me happily.

"It's amazing!" I say enthusiastically because it is. It is exactly what Peeta wanted.

"Nice work Bread Boy." Johanna says from behind us.

"Thanks Johanna." He says and then starts showing off all his hard work.

We follow him around the new bakery, inspecting everything he has done, listening to how he and Thom did this, or that. I really am impressed.

I know that it is perfect and I know that he is going to love working here and that he will likely do it for the rest of his life. It fills me with joy knowing that he is able to get so much happiness from his work. I know the business will be strong and profitable for a long time to come.

**Tell me what you think in a review! Are there any characters that you want to see more of? Maybe a visit from Gale? Let me know! I am up for suggestions! Thanks again!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hello all you amazing readers! Feel so horrible for not updating all week but I have been super busy with school, weddings, and other family stuff. Please don't be too mad! Haha anyways here is another chapter for you guys, its pretty long so hope you enjoy it!**

**I do not own The Hunger Games.**

When we decide we should leave the bakery, and head to some of the other shops around town we find the snow to be coming down hard. So hard that we can't see 3 feet in front of us. The moment we open the front door of the bakery a huge gust of wind flies in and coats the floor in a light dusting of the powdery white snow. Peeta immediately closes the door and steps a few steps back before he chuckles.

"I guess we won't be getting out of here any time soon." He says with a grin on his face. Johanna groans loudly and goes to sit at one of the small tables that are scattered around the front of the bakery.

"Come on Johanna it's not that bad," I tell her as she sits down. She simply glares at me.

"Well, maybe we can start teaching you some stuff Katniss," Peeta says from behind me as he takes off his coat and hangs it back up on the hook behind the counter. He slides my coat off my shoulders too.

"Peeta… I thought we agreed that the bakery would be much better off without me constantly messing everything up. I am sure you will be able to find lots of very capable employees to help out." I say with a slight whine in my voice.

"I never agreed about that. I think that was all you hun." He says and takes me by the hand and drags me into the back.

"Hey Johanna! What do you want to eat?" He asks Johanna from behind the counter with a huge grin on his face.

"What?" She asks, confused.

"You're our first customer and Katniss is going to make something for you. What do you want?"

"I don't know… a muffin?" Johanna says with her eyebrows raised, slightly sceptical.

"Sure! Coming right up!" Peeta says, obviously excited now.

He leads me right back into the kitchen and starts bringing ingredients, bowls, utensils and pans out and lines them up neatly along the brand new counter top.

"Peeta… I don't know…" I start but he interrupts me with his first command.

"Put a cup of flour into the bowl." He instructs pointing to the measuring cup that is sitting neatly in front of the bag that reads flour.

"But Peeta, I…"

"Do it Katniss." He says patiently. "Its not hard, you can do it." I stare him in the eyes for a few moments, sizing him up. "Well go on," he tells me and I turn my gaze toward the counter again.

Peeta makes the process fool proof. He creates a system so that I can never make a mistake. Each ingredient is lined up in order, from which you use first to which you use last. In front of each ingredient there is the appropriate measuring cup. The only thing he needs to do is show me how to stir.

When I have somehow successfully created a batter, Peeta gently instructs me to pour a spoon full of the mix into each small round section of the pan. I do so, although apparently not entirely correctly because there is still some batter left over and Peeta swiftly takes the bowl and evens out each of the sections, making sure each one has the exact same amount as the next.

He then quietly instructs me to put the tray in the large oven that is against the far wall. I look at him with an expression that says he really shouldn't trust me with such a difficult and easy to fail task. He only smirks and nods as if to say 'go on,' and so I do. Gently, carefully I lift the tray of the light brown, sloppy batter and set it into the oven as gingerly as possible. I close the oven door and then I'm not sure what to do.

"How do we know they are done?" I ask as I walk toward him and allow him to snake his arms around my torso.

"We wait until they rise, and become a perfect golden brown colour. They will be slightly crisp on the outside but soft and spongy on the inside. You do realize that this is the first time that oven has been used, and you are the one using it." He says with a smirk. I roll my eyes before replying.

"That just doesn't seem right. I know its going to blow up or something." I say but slightly tense up at my own words. I shut my eyes tightly to try and will away the images of fire and explosions that rocket through my brain but I still don't know how. I need a way to get myself out of these momentary lapses.

Peeta immediately feels me tense and swiftly picks me up and takes me to a near by stool which he sits me on. He kneels in front of me and takes my hands in his own.

"Peeta, help me. I don't know what to do. I have to make it stop! I have to do this! What do I do?" I start yelling at him, trying to find any way to make the images get out of my head. Peeta's voice suddenly fills my ears.

"Listen to me Katniss," He says gently but also sternly, "Hey, do you hear me?" I nod once. "Good. Try to think of a couple of days ago, when you were out in the woods with Johanna. What did you do that time? How did you get yourself out of it?" He asks me, and I try to think about what worked last time and then it hits me. My list.

I start whispering to nobody but my self, starting with the easiest things I know to be true and working my way to the more complicated. I can tell when I open my eyes and see Peeta's expression that he has no idea what I continue to whisper and that he is concerned. As I finish my list I take a deep breath in and then out again and look at Peeta again.

He sees the relief in my eyes and smiles at me reassuringly even though I simply look to the ground, willing my self not to cry, or shout, or throw something. I'm so frustrated. I thought I was strong, and brave! Obviously not, I am nothing but a shell of the girl I once was, weak and broken.

Peeta sees this and his expression goes back to being concerned. He lifts my chin with his thumb and forces me to look into his eyes. I know he knows what I am thinking, the self doubt I have.

"I love you." Is all he says before giving me a strong kiss. Why does he have to be so perfect? He never gets mad, or frustrated. He never asks for more from me. I know he would sacrifice anything for me, bleed for me, pull me back from the ash, save me from myself because ultimately that has been my biggest danger since the end of the war. I hate him for feeling as though he has to, but I love him for doing so without a second thought.

I shake my head back and forth, ashamed. Not a single tear is shed though. I am determined now, determined to be strong for Peeta. He should not have to take care of me. So, when the small timer that has been sitting on the counter chimes, I take my hands out of Peeta's, maybe a little too harshly and stand up. I walk to the oven, grab the pair of mitts that sit beside it and pull the fresh muffins from the oven and set them on the counter. I quickly pop each muffin out of the pan and set the steaming hot baked goods onto a plate, piling them up neatly.

I turn around to see Peeta watching me with a very concerned look on his face. I roll my eyes because he would of course take this as being a bad thing. I walk through the doors and to the front where Johanna still sits. I set the plate of muffins in front of her and glance out the window as I sit directly across from her. The snow has died down enough that we should be able to make it home and I am glad. I can here Peeta doing something in the back, cleaning up I guess. I turn to Johanna who has shoved half a muffin into her mouth.

"I heard yelling. Something happen?" Johanna asks me between bites. I really don't want to talk about it at the moment, but I see no way around it.

"I just blanked out for a minute, it was fine." I say shaking my head back and forth.

"What, like what happened in the forest?"

"Sort of." I say simply.

"Good thing you can pull your self out of them quick. A lot of people wouldn't be able to do that, having seen what you've seen." She says and I glare at her.

"I think there are a lot of people out there who would handle it better actually. I don't want to be my mother." I whisper the last part but Johanna hears it.

"Hey, you're not your mother, that's for damn sure. So you might have some issues, you might be broken but we all are. Anyone in our place would be. You have a right to loose yourself every once in a while."

"I don't want to be this person! I don't want to rely on other people for everything!" I say, frustrated.

"I agree with you there." She tells me, "but sometimes we don't have a choice because those 'other people' care way to much for their own good." She says as Peeta walks through the door to the kitchen. I smile slightly at her but also take some of her words to heart. I know Peeta wants to help; it's just that I don't want to need help.

"You two ready to get out of here? I want to get home. I'll pack the rest of those up to bring with us." Peeta says, bending down to pick up the plate of muffins. As he does so he surprises me by pressing his lips to my ear and whispering to me.

"We are going to talk when we get home." I immediately scowl but he's already gone and packing up the muffins. Johanna and I stand up and put on our coats and mittens. I laugh when I get a better look at Johanna's winter jacket. It is dark green on the out side but completely fur covered on the inside. The fur and feathers that line the inside seem to poof out all over the place and remind me of Haymitch's geese for some reason.

Peeta is soon bundled up too and we head out the door and toward Victor's Village. I quickly realize as we walk that the air temperature has definitely dropped a few degrees since we were out late this morning. I shiver and fold my arms over my chest, trying to keep in as much heat as possible until we get home. Peeta quickly realizes my shivers from where he walks behind me and increases his speed in order to scoot beside me on the side walk. He quickly takes his scarf off, drapes it and ties it around my neck and stretches one arm around behind me to rest his hand on my far arm and rests the other hand on my arm that is closest to him. He slowly rubs his hands up and down my arms, trying to give me some warmth.

We finally come upon the large house and Peeta release his grip on me and walks ahead of both Johanna and I to go unlock and open the door. I glance over to Johanna who gives me a menacing smile that I quickly return and we both very quickly, yet silently run to the side of the house where we crouch against the wall.

Peeta, clueless as ever opens the front door from what I can hear. There is silence for a moment where I don't hear any of Peeta's loud uneven foot steps as he no doubt looks around, very confused. "Katniss?" He yells, a tinge of concern in his voice. Wow, I figured he would at least figure it out by now. Nope, he's always worried about my safety. "Katniss! Johanna?" He calls louder, with a slightly higher pitch.

Slowly, quietly Johanna and I both grab large mitt-fulls of the perfect white snow and prepare. Just as Peeta walks back down the steps of our porch and into the middle of our lawn, looking out into the street, Johanna and I run and leap toward him and both hurl the snow, hitting him dead in the back of the head. We immediately start laughing and howling hysterically as we watch Peeta turn to face us, jaw dropped, shivering from the snow that is now running down his back, under his coat.

Faster than either Johanna or I had expected in our little laughing fit, Peeta leans down and grabs a huge amount of the snow himself and throws it, hitting Johanna directly in the face. Now it's me and Peeta laughing while Johanna wipes the powdery snow off her face and scowls. I run over to where Peeta is, thinking he is now on my side but I soon learn other wise.

I clap my hands once I get close to him and smile. "Oh, I don't think so darling." He says quietly before wrapping his arms around my torso and pulling me toward him. In one swift motion he dips me, as if we were dancing and shoves a handful of snow into my face and in my hair. I gasp and thrash around as he drops me into the snow and pins me to the ground.

Johanna comes to kneel beside me, while Peeta straddles my waist and holds my arms to the ground. He chuckles and so does Johanna.

"So, whose idea was this?" he asks Johanna.

"Kind of mutual really." She says with a shrug.

"Good enough for me" he replies and I have a bad feeling I know what that means. It's a good enough reason to torture me.

My eyes widen and Peeta laughs even harder now. "Peeta… you wouldn't." I say in a dangerous tone.

"Oh, but I _so_ would babe." I momentarily raise an eyebrow at this new name, although I really shouldn't be surprised. This is Peeta we're talking about.

"Johanna, hold this arm." Peeta instructs and I struggle against him again. Johanna does as she is told and Peeta now has a free arm.

"Traitor." I hiss at Johanna who laughs.

"Never really were allies." She responds and I give her a glare but she winks at me when Peeta isn't looking. I soon return my attention to the man who is sitting on top of me though. I look him in the eyes with as much defiance as I can muster and decide not to struggle. He can do what he wants to me, but I will never let him know what I'm thinking. I smirk at him and then comes the first face full of snow. I inhale sharply but do not let any sounds escape my lips. I smile, as he wipes away the snow from my eyes, clearing my vision. He and Johanna are laughing now, each one taking turns piling the snow on my face.

The only time I let out a yelp is when Peeta puts a scoop of snow against my neck, which up until now has been covered by his scarf. I gasp and shriek because of the sensation. I have always been ticklish and squeamish around my neck and today is no different. Peeta knows my weakness.

I yelp again as he presses a second handful to the other side of my neck and I begin kicking and thrashing again, desperately trying to be rid of my attacker.

"Surrender yet, love?" he asks me as he readies another pile of snow.

"Never." I say back and he laughs.

"She will never give in Mellark, you should know that better than anyone." I look to Peeta with a smug, defiant smirk on my face. He chuckles.

"Oh believe me I do. Well, what do you say? Truce?" Peeta asks me, his eyes sparkling in the sunny, frigid afternoon. I think about it for a moment.

"Fine." I say reluctantly and with that his hand lets go of my wrist, and his hands go to either side of my head as he kisses me gently. Taking this lovely opportunity I flip us over using all my strength so that I am now straddling him. I lock his arms into the snow and look down to see him utterly confused and surprised.

"Johanna! Now!" I call and she dumps a large bucket of snow over Peeta's head that she collected when Peeta was kissing me. Johanna and I both hoot and holler and I let Peeta's arms go free so he can wipe his face free of the snow. He looks up at me and grins, eyes still sparkling with delight and I laugh.

"You may know my weakness but I _definitely_ know yours, and it never fails." I whisper to him and he chuckles deeply as I stand up and extend a hand to him. He takes it and stands up, taking my hand in his.

"You never loose do you? You're just too stubborn." He says with a huge smile that could light up an entire room. I smile back as I look up at him.

"Yup." I say.

"That's alright. I still love you for it." He says and the three of us walk into the house, Peeta claiming he will get revenge later. I smile and think maybe I should let him.

**Well, there it is! Hope it was worth the wait! Please, please, please review!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey, guess what? I've got another chapter for you and here it is!**

**I do not own The Hunger Games**

That night we eat dinner together and conversation comes easily and fluidly. We are all in better moods than earlier today and show for it by smiling, laughing and teasing over our meal. When night approaches and Peeta and I walk into our bedroom however, things change.

Peeta visibly gets tense. He changes and I do the same. He slips into bed, unfolding the blanket and motioning for me to join him. I do. He doesn't wrap his arms around me, only lightly strokes my hair that is free and fanned out slightly on the pillow. He captures my eyes with his deep blue ones. In them I look for some sort of emotion, something to clue me in to whatever is causing this tension. I come up short.

He toys with my hair some more but is silent, the both of us not sure what to say or do. My eyes look all over his face and body but always end up landing back on his eyes.

"You can't do this Katniss." He says very quietly. I am confused because I really don't know what he means. He is the one who is so tense and not acting like himself.

He notices the confused look in my eyes and sighs. "I know you Katniss. I know what you were thinking at the bakery. I know that you think you are weak, broken, heartless. I also know you are none of those things and I hate that you don't. You have no idea how much you effect me, how much you matter to me." He says and my eyes drop down to the bed sheets. I don't say a word. "It was amazing that you asked for help this afternoon when you needed. I was happy that you did. No matter how weak you think that makes you you're wrong. That was one of the strongest things I have seen you do in a while." He says and I completely disagree with him. That was a moment of weakness. "Talk to me Katniss."

"I… I just… urgh." I huff as I can't find the words.

"Just tell me why you think it's such a horrible thing for me to help you."

"It's not Peeta, of course I'm glad you are willing to help me, just like I do you. I just get frustrated and angry with myself."

"It's not your fault."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is! If I were just stronger I wouldn't be like this! I wouldn't need help! I wouldn't be in constant need of supervision! You can't argue that!" I say loudly and slam my fist onto the table beside me, effectively knocking off the glass cup of water that was sitting there a moment ago. "Damn!" I curse and immediately jump up off the bed and start picking up the razor sharp shards of glass with my bare hands. I hiss as one cuts me but continue picking them up, wanting to have it clean _now._

Peeta is soon behind me with a hand on my back. "Katniss stop! You're hurting yourself stop!" He insists but I don't. I continue picking up the now blood stained pieces. "Katniss, let me help you!" and this sends a shock of fire I haven't felt in a long time through my veins.

"_No!"_ I practically shout as I glare at him and pick up the rest of the glass quickly. I stand up and march into the bathroom and shake the pieces of glass off my now sticky hand. I try to rub the small shards off and into the garbage, and effectively create more cuts. I groan as I finally get them all off.

I still feel a hint of the fury inside me but it has mostly gone out. I step back into the bedroom to see Peeta, standing by the bed, hands clenched at his sides. He looks frustrated. He walks toward me and grabs my arms, perhaps a little more forcefully than he had meant to. He looks me straight in the eye.

"Katniss, I need you to listen to me." His tone scares me a little and my face must show it because he forces himself to calm down a little more. "You need to stop and listen for once. You are making things a whole lot harder for yourself than they need to be. You need to know that excepting help when you need it is not a bad thing! It keeps you and others from getting hurt! It scares me so much that you think like this. What would happen if you were in danger and thought you could handle it yourself? I don't think I could even trust you to phone someone for help if you were in danger! You need to figure this out Katniss and soon, because you are going to run into some problems if you don't. You are the strongest, most powerful, selfless person I know and you need to believe that yourself. I can't keep fighting with you when I want to help you!"

My legs feel like jelly as I stare into his eyes and I feel myself start to slide down the wall Peeta has me pushed against. He feels me falling and immediately takes my weight into is arms and sets me down lightly onto the ground. I see his expression change completely, now soft and full of worry and concern, maybe even an un-fallen tear or two. I stare at him with an emotionless, empty look on my face as I try to absorb what just happened. I am so shocked that I am emotionless.

His arms wrap around me and I can feel him apologizing to me against my hair as his tears begin to fall. I think this is one of the first times I have witnessed him cry. It makes me want to hold him and console him and make him feel better. I hate to see him like this.

My arms slowly, weakly wrap around him and stroke his back as my own tears begin to fall. He pulls his head up to look at me and seems slightly reassured by my show of emotion. His tears have dried up quickly and he now comforts me. He is still apologizing to me and I have no idea why.

"Stop." I say with a crackly throat as I sob.

He instantly takes his arms off of me and looks at me.

"Stop apologizing." I clarify and he looks confused. "I am the one who is sorry. Thank you for snapping some sense into me." I say. "I'm… so s-sorry." I say as I sob some more. He just holds me, not saying anything for a long time.

After a while he leans back and sits in front of me, looking at me.

"Do you understand why it is so important to me that you always come to me; always no matter what you think will happen?" He asks me gently, quietly. I nod my head as I wipe the tears from my cheeks.

He quickly lifts me up and sits me on the bed, against the headboard. He vanishes into the bathroom and soon reappears with a small medical kit.

"What is it with you and glass?" He says as he smiles at me. "I seem to recall doing this not terribly long ago."

"I know, I'm sorry I was being stupid."

"No you weren't. Perhaps a little stubborn, but not stupid." He says as he works on my hands. I wince a few times as he cleans some of the deeper cuts but he shushes me quietly. Yep, I was being stupid.

Once he has finished and my hands are bandaged, we crawl back into bed and this time he wraps his arms around me like he always does.

"Peeta?" I say just before we both fall asleep.

"Mmhm?" He mumbles.

"I give you full permission to yell at me again if I get like that."

He chuckles. "Only if I absolutely have to. I hate that I had to do that but it was the only way to snap you out of it. I was so worried afterward. I thought I had frightened you so badly that you shut down again." He says softly.

"I think I was just shocked and trying to figure things out. I've never heard you speak like that." I say and whimper slightly at the thought.

"Hopefully you won't ever again. Now go to sleep my love." He says soothingly and I do not need to be told twice.

When I wake up in the middle of the night thrashing and kicking and screaming at the top of my lungs, Peeta is right there, as he always is with his arms around me. Even Johanna quietly steps into the room.

"Shhh, It's okay. You're safe I promise. Shhh. Relax." I am still shivering. I just can't seem to calm down from this one. I am making small moaning noises and rocking back and forth in his arms.

"Is she okay?" I hear Johanna's voice that is laced with a surprising amount of concern.

"It must have been really bad. She usually calms down by now." I nuzzle my head into his neck trying to get them to stop talking because my head hurts so badly. "Shhh, Katniss relax babe." He says into my ear lightly. I hear him ask Johanna to go make some tea. Peeta pulls me away from his shoulder but I refuse and go right back to where I was. He sighs quietly.

I moan again as my head pounds. I have never had this before.

"Katniss, are you in pain?" He asks me, clearly worried. I nod against his chest where my head lays. "Where? You need to tell me." He says but I can't speak. I only shake my head back and forth slowly against him and breathe rapidly. "You have to tell me now, sweetheart."

"My head." I croak out as I begin hyperventilating. What is wrong with me?

"Hey, shh. It's okay. I'm going to make it go away alright?" he says.

"Peeta, I need help." I say, suddenly remembering the events that took place last night. I can feel him smile for a moment against the top of my head and plant a kiss there.

"That's right. I know. Try to relax." I try but my head still pounds. It feels like a thousand pounds of rocks are pushing down on my brain from every side. I manage to slow my breathing a little.

Johanna returns with two cups of tea and sets them on the small, bed- side table. She sits somewhat uncomfortably on the end of the bed, obviously not sure what to do. Peeta coaxes me to drink some of the tea and gives me some pills for my headache. I immediately decline when he pulls out the bottle, assuming they were those capitol drugs Dr. Aurelius had given me. He gently explained what they were and managed to get them down my throat.

The moment my head stops pounding I relax into Peeta and he notices. He smiles and rubs my back, telling me to go to sleep. I know I won't be able to again tonight. I sit up and off of Peeta, rolling to sit beside him instead of on top of him. He holds my hand still which is reassuring.

The strange thing about this nightmare is that I don't remember a thing. I always remember every painful second of my nightmares but this one was different. When Peeta asks me if I want to talk about it as he always does I simply tell him I can't.

"Why?" he asks me.

"I don't remember." I ask him with a confused look on my face, for some reason hoping he could explain. He looks just as perplexed. We sit for a while longer, Johanna gets up and stocks off into her own room but I somehow think she won't be sleeping either.

At the thought of trying to remember the horrors of the night my idea of the plant book flashes through my mind again. I had planned on holding off until Johanna had left and gone back home to tell Peeta but I realize that Johanna could help. How had I not thought of that?

"Peeta?" I ask him as I squeeze his hand. I know he is tired but I also know that he will force himself to stay awake for me. I will force him to sleep in a few minutes but I need to get this out first.

He mumbles something in reply.

"I had an idea a little while ago, while I was out in the meadow. I wanted to know what you thought." He looks toward me with curious eyes.

"Shoot." He says, clearly trying to wake himself up fully.

"Do you remember when we used to fill in my father's plant book? When you would do all the sketches and I would write all of what I knew about the plant, so that we would remember it? So that we would know which were edible, and which were dangerous?" He thinks hard for a moment, perhaps seeing some shiny image connected to that. Damn the Capitol. Why did they have to ruin all the best memories, even the most private ones?

Suddenly his eyes brighten a bit and he smiles. "Yeah, I remember now. You were so good about writing down every detail, never forgetting a single thing." I smile because I am elated that he was able to pull that memory out.

"Well, I was thinking… I mean we put those plants in there so that we would remember them right? So that if we were ever confused about something we could simply look into the book and remember." He nods in agreement. "Well… I want to be able to do that for all the people I don't want to forget Peeta. I want to write down every detail, every little part about them that no one should ever forget. I want to be able to look into the book if memories become less vivid over time. I want to always have every detail on paper… I want to never forget." I say. Peeta simply stares into my dull grey eyes with his torturing blue eyes with pure pride and amazement. He swiftly pulls me into a warm and comfortable embrace that we hold for a long time.

"I would absolutely love that Katniss. You have to know though; it's going to be hard. We are going to have to face those daemons. I know we can do it though, we can do it together." I nod against his shoulder knowing he is right. It is going to be the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I ever do.

As we both lie back down and Peeta drifts off to sleep, my mind goes back to my nightmare. I would have said not remembering my nightmares would be a good thing, but really it only leaves me more terrified. Terrified of the unknown. I can usually analyze my dreams and tell myself they are not real based on facts. I have nothing to analyze though now and no way of telling myself it wasn't real. I lay there for hours, jumping at every sound I hear, constantly terrified of the unknown threat that I have an eerie feeling is closing in on me.

**Thanks for reading! Review if you loved it, review if you hated it! Doesn't matter to me! Hope you enjoyed.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey everyone! First of all, I am so so so so so sorry about the huge wait! I feel horrible but unfortunately school does come before writing haha. The good news is that last weekend was my last that I will be away and without internet so my weekends should be free and give me lots of time to write from now until about May. This will hopefully mean much more updates! Thanks again for sticking with me and hope you are still enjoying! Please review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games (no matter how much I wish I did)**

The snow comes heavy and thick almost everyday now. Johanna has agreed to stay over the holidays before she goes back home and I was glad that she decided to extend her visit.

The holidays are usually pretty hard for 12, or they have been in the past anyway. The way the people in the capital celebrated it was nothing like what we did here. We would give each other small gifts if it could be afforded; an apple here, a ribbon or piece of cloth their. They were all things that were needed and used, not things that were unnecessary.

My family almost never gave gifts on the holidays; we instead opted to use the money in other things throughout the year. We gave each other gifts not because of the date, but because we wanted to make them happy.

Peeta and I got into a conversation on the topic somehow and I find myself wondering what the holidays were like in his home and so I ask him.

"Well, my father would usually slip me and my brothers a couple of fresh cookies, or pastries but we never really got anything officially. We made all these special red and green cookies and breads but we never got to try them." He tells me and I have to admit it surprises me. I had always thought that the merchant families celebrated the holidays at least a little more than us in the seam.

"Wow, I'm sorry, for some reason I thought that it would have been better for you." I tell him. He smiles lightly and nods.

"Lets have a nice celebration this year." He says suddenly. "We have so much to celebrate and be thankful for. I want to have a real holiday this year, with friends and family and loved ones. It would be so much fun." He says now grinning like a fool which only puts a smile on my face. I love when he is determined about something.

"I don't know…" I say as I have my doubts. Who would come? "What if it was more of a full- district thing? Not here, but in town where the whole district can come and celebrate. Similar to the harvest festivals in the fall. I want it to be a happy time for the whole district, not just us." I tell him and he seems to like the idea.

We decide to start calling some people to help pull everything together. Thom, who Peeta has become quite good friends with, thinks it is an amazing idea and agrees completely. In the end we have a team of about 10 people that are all going to help make the night come together.

I think of the Harvest festivals and how much joy they always brought to the people of 12. It was the one night of the year that nobody was worrying about food, water, money, or the Games. It was the one night that everyone was free to be themselves and celebrate.

"Peeta?" I call from the front door as I walk into the house after being out hunting this afternoon. All the holiday talk has been good but stressful at the same time. I found myself needing to escape as I so often do. I always have been one to run away, and I don't think that will change.

I walk into the kitchen after not hearing any response. I peek my head down the hallway leading to the study but there is clearly no one here. I return to the kitchen swiftly with my eyebrows furrowed trying to figure out where Peeta could have gone. He hadn't told me of anywhere he was going this afternoon that I could remember. I suddenly notice the perfectly folded white piece of paper neatly sitting on the counter top.

I walk over to it and pick it up in my hands reading my name off the front of it, which has been written in Peeta's perfect cursive. I quickly unfold it.

_Katniss,_

_ Headed into town to finish up a few last things at the bakery so it will be ready to open next week. The sign is being put up today! I will be home in time to help you with dinner. Call me at the bakery if you need anything. Love you, see you soon._

_Peeta_

I drop the note back down and rest my hands on my hips. I find it a little strange that he would suddenly take off to work on the bakery this afternoon. Yes, we had planned for the bakery to open on the day of the celebration but he normally tells me when he is going to help out because it is usually all arranged with Thom. I drop my arms back down and let the thought leave my mind, thinking that I was reading into this far too much.

I head back out to the front foyer where I carelessly dropped my game bag and take off my boots and coat. I bring my game into the kitchen and start skinning and cleaning it. A nice squirrel stew would be good tonight.

Suddenly the phone rings. It startles even me when it rings because it does so rarely. I think for a moment, making a list in my head of who it could be and whether or not I want to talk to that person. I end up deciding to pick it up, thinking it will most likely be Dr. Aurelius wanting something.

I take the phone off of the wall and hold it to my ear. "Hello?" I say.

"Katniss?" My heart stops for a moment as the voice registers in my mind. I can't say that I am happy, but I also can't say that there isn't a little bit of comfort that comes with hearing this voice. There was a time when it was comforting to hear, but that changed. I always knew it was still there though, deep in the back of my mind.

"Mother?" It comes out as a whisper and I'm not sure why. She is my mother; it should not be this difficult to talk to her.

"How are you?" She says in a weak voice herself.

"Why are you calling?" I don't mean to be rude but I'm not in the mood for small talk with this woman.

"I… I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I am still your mother you know, I worry about you."

"Worry about me?" I say loudly, having overcome my nervousness easily. "You certainly weren't worried about me when I was brought back to 12 after killing the president, when I had to live alone in the district that hardly existed anymore, when my sister…" I inhale sharply and stop my sentence. I can't get into that now.

There is a silence for a little while. I am about to hang up when she speaks again.

"Peeta is there with you now though right?" She says. I cannot believe her. How would that make her abandonment any easier?

"Yes." I say because it is all I can muster without screaming and yelling every foul thing I can think of.

"I'm glad you have someone. I'm sorry Katniss." She says and I hang up before responding. I run to the living room and scream into the couch cushions as tears start to fall down my cheeks. The small comfort I had felt when I heard he voice has vanished and the anger has come back full force. I wish for Prim and my father to be here with me, to comfort me and tell me everything would be okay. But they aren't here, they never will be again.

I hear the front door open and lift my head from the pillow. My tears are gone and nothing but fear and anger replace them. I look up and see a man with blond curly hair and mesmerizing ocean blue eyes. His look is of concern but there is also something else there. Disappointment? I throw the pillow across the room and sit back on the couch, crossing my arms.

Peeta sits beside me and wraps his arm around me. "She just wants to help Katniss." He says quietly into my ear. I give him a confused look. How did he know what was going on? "She called earlier. Told me she wanted to talk to you. I knew you would be home in a while so I told her to call back in an hour. I left so you guys could talk."

I turn out of his embrace and stare at him. "You should have told me."

"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to be mad at her before she had even called."

"and I'm not angry now? Do you know what she told me? She said that she was glad that you were here since she couldn't be. She's my mother! I lost all my other family; she is all I have left… I'm going for a walk." I say with a huff and make a move to stand. He catches me by the wrist. I would normally wriggle my way out of it but it is Peeta, and I know he means well.

"Katniss, don't go." He says and I think for a moment before settling back into the sofa. I still don't lean on him like I normally would but I don't leave.

"Now," he says in a calm but precise voice. "You need to think about this for a moment, hun." He says in such a calm voice that I have no choice but to listen. I may be mad, but the anger isn't blocking out my common sense. I know that Peeta knows what he is talking about and I trust him, no matter how angry I am. He tilts my head gently so that I am looking up into those eyes.

"You know your mother better than I do, and I know that. The thing is though, I really do think that it took a lot of effort for her to make that phone call. She wants to help Katniss, but she doesn't know how. She can't come back to 12, you know that." He looks at me and I know what he is saying is true.

"I know but…" I am lost for words. I don't know how to explain what I am thinking. I simply shake my head back and forth and shrug my shoulders. "I miss her." I say in a hoarse whisper and Peeta wraps his arms around me again.

"I know you do. I also know that you want her to be the woman she was before your father died… you have to understand that she more than likely will not be. She has lost so much, she doesn't want to loose you too."

I straighten up on the couch and look into the empty fireplace, wishing that it was alive with flame. I think about what he told me. The woman my mother was before my father's death was someone joyful, happy at the saddest of times, and had the most comforting presence. Everyone loved being around her and talking to her. She had more friends than I could ever count and she loved helping people. When Prim or I would wake from a nightmare she would wrap her arms around us and talk soothingly to us, telling us tales of a happier time, when people were free and treated fairly.

That woman left the day of the mining accident though. She looked like her self physically, but never again did I see that gleam of happiness in her eye whenever my father, Prim or I walked through the door. That was the day that she left and never came back. That was the day I began resenting her.

Even though I never let it show, I wished for her to return everyday. I wished for her comforting smile, her simple words of advice. I never saw it though, and I just stopped wishing. To wish you need hope that it may come true. I had no hope at that point. My life was dedicated to Prim and no one else.

Prim is gone now though. I failed my only job in life. _So what now?_ I think to myself. Peeta is forever telling me that I need to think more about myself and less about others. That seems like such a waste though. Looking back to all those months sitting on my rocking chair staring into the flames of a fire that never seemed to die made me sick to my stomach at how selfish I had been. I think that was enough selfishness for a lifetime.

I will always protect Peeta, there is no doubt there. I know Johanna will always have a spot in my life as well. I want there to be others but my mother is going to take a lot of effort on my part. Getting over the past seven years of resentment and loathing will not be easy and I know it will not ever be perfect. Maybe, just maybe it's time to start though.

I turn to Peeta again, this having gone through my head in only a few moments. I look at my hands which are entwined with his and think of how very grateful I am for him.

"I can't talk to her again today…" I begin nervously as my eyes travel up to meet his, "but maybe tomorrow." He simply gives me a small grin and leads me upstairs to our large bedroom and locks the door behind him.

**Again, thanks for sticking in there! I hope you guys are alright with the way I had Katniss handle her mother. I really think that no matter how much she would not admit it, she always hoped for her mother to return to who she used to be. I think Katniss's inner conflict would be a pretty important part in her relationship with her mother so I figured it deserved a bit of time spent explaining it. Anyways, I'm rambling. Hope you enjoyed and please review!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Hello and thanks for sticking around to those of you who have! Hope you like this chapter, please remember to leave a review and tell me what you think, good or bad!**

**I do not own The Hunger Games. No copyright infringement intended.**

I'm not sure what I did to deserve someone like Peeta by my side every time I need him. Haymitch once told me I could live a thousand lifetimes and never deserve him and it is devastatingly true. For all the times I have hurt that boy, he has always been there for me, forever saving me, forever on my side.

I try to think about what my life would be like without him and find it to be dark, dreary, and full of memories and emotions that I know I wouldn't be able to handle. I know I love Peeta, that has been evident for a while now but it still scares me none the less. Letting that critical, reserved, untrusting part of me open up completely and be taken over by a confiding, credulous part is incredibly difficult and foreign feeling. I spent my entire childhood blocking people out and concentrating solely on the survival of my family.

Trying to let this side of me disappear is proving to be difficult. I have to remind myself sometimes to tell Peeta what I'm thinking, or feeling. When I do I am rewarded with Peeta's arms and his words. I have never trusted someone with such confidence other than Prim and my father when they were alive.

Of course I still have to wonder though, _should I open up like this with others as well?_ It is mainly my mother I am concerned about this over. I know now that I have to talk to her but how can things simply go back to normal? They never will. Nothing will.

When I wake in the morning with Peeta's chest pressed against my back I let all these thoughts drop from my mind all together. I love these mornings when he is still home when I wake up. I turn around as gently as possible so I can nuzzle deeper into his chest, loving the physical contact and the heat that is radiating from him.

I feel his arm come up and fiddle with my hair which is loose and flowing over my shoulder in soft waves. I know he loves it when my hair is down but it's so impractical for during the day. I hate it being in my face when I am trying to get something done.

"Good morning." He whispers in my ear before gently kissing my temple. I sigh in reply and snuggle closer against him yet again. "Nightmares?" I actually have to think about it for a moment before responding.

"No." I say surprising myself even. He chuckles lightly and continues running his fingers through my hair, gently untangling the knots that seem to be there every morning. _Likely from all the thrashing around, _I think to myself.

"Why can't we just stay like this forever?" I whisper with a twinge of sadness. He pulls my face out from his chest and looks at me with those sleepy blue eyes that only Peeta has.

"Because we have our lives to live, people who love us and want to be with us. Because if we did we would never move on." He says in a steady voice. I nod slowly because I know it is true. There would be many ghosts who would haunt us day in and day out if we did not keep busy.

"Fine." I say with a scowl and I feel his smile on the top of my head.

"Tell you what, I'll go down stairs and make a nice breakfast for you, Johanna and I and you can stay here in bed for a few more minutes. Fair?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because it's not the same without you here." I say and pull away from him to swing my legs over the side of the bed. I stand up slowly and walk over to the dresser and begin rooting through to find something to wear. "I would rather fallow you around." I say with a smile that Peeta quickly returns.

We both head downstairs and into the kitchen where I sit at the table and Peeta begins on breakfast. Johanna is already there, muffin in hand when we arrive. We exchanged "Good mornings" and relax into easy conversation.

We share a warm breakfast of bacon, eggs, and some of Peeta's bread that he has toasted. He even surprises me by pulling out a large bottle of orange juice from the fridge. We only got juice as a treat when there was enough money when growing up.

The doorbell rings suddenly in the middle of our meal. I make a move to stand but Peeta quickly pushes me back down into my seat as he says a quick "I've got it," and heada for the door. I am curious as to who it is because normally anyone we know wouldn't have rung the doorbell. I hear a quick exchange of words before I hear the door click shut again and Peeta returns with a rather large box.

"It's for you." He tells me as he sets it on the table in front of me. I tentatively open the flaps, revealing the inside. There are several stacks of a thick paper, boxes of different pens and coloured pencils as well as what looks to be a leather cover and backing. All the things needed to create a book. A book that I know I need to make.

"It's materials for the book. I asked Dr. Aurelius to send them." I say in a monotone voice. I look up to see Peeta looking at me, fork in hand simply trying to figure out what I am feeling from what I can tell. Johanna continues eating after shooting a confused look Peeta's way. I suppose we haven't yet told her of the idea.

"Katniss and I wanted to make a book of memories of sorts. Something that we can right all of our memories about the people we lost, so that we never forget." He explains quickly to Johanna. "Will you help us? I am sure you knew some of them better than we did." He says with a hopeful tone.

Johanna stops and looks to me with no identifiable emotion on her face. "I guess." She says and looks down to her food again.

When we have finished I help Peeta gather the dishes as we head to the sink to wash them. He fills the sink with soapy water and begins cleaning the plates, cutlery and pans as I dry them. I look over my shoulder quickly to see Johanna sitting in the formal living room, gently looking through the contents of the box that has been moved onto the coffee table in that room. She seems to be inspecting each item.

"Do you think she is really okay with doing this?" Peeta whispers over to me as he continues to wash the dirty dishes.

"I'm not sure. I almost think she would rather forget." I whisper in response. Peeta's brows furrow slightly but he says nothing. When the dishes are cleaned, dried and stacked neatly in the cupboard, we walk into the living room and plop down on the fancy, expensive looking couch. I will never get used to this house.

Peeta picks up a piece of paper and what looks to be a sketching pencil and turns his head to me. "Who should we start with?" he asks and it has got to be one of the most difficult questions in the world. I shake my head and shrug my shoulders slightly and lean against him. How can we possibly begin?

"My brother. He was smart, so smart. Too smart for his own good sometimes." Johanna suddenly says, scowl on her face, staring down at the floor. I silently pick up a blank sheet of paper and a fancy looking pen and begin writing as neatly as possible as Johanna talks. "He had this thing he would do, every time he lied or was nervous about something. He would scrunch up his nose slightly and stare off to the side, never looking you in the eye. He was never a good liar. He loved school, more for the classes than the social aspect. He had friends though, a small close-knit group of kids.

"He was 11 when I was reaped, hadn't had his first reaping yet but was certainly more than aware of what was happening. He didn't cry though, not when my name was called, not when he came to say his goodbye. I don't know how he was able to put up such a brave front but he did.

"When I got back, there was a while that he was happy again, would smile and hug me, walk with me around town and to the lumber mills explaining to me tiny details about each shop, house, or factory. He knew so much about so many of the people.

"When Snow decided to rip my happiness away though, it was slow and torturous. He began calling me to the capitol, sometimes more than twice a month for tiny, little meetings. Ripping me away from my home so often that my brother got used to me being gone. Leaving wasn't a big deal anymore, and then returning wasn't either. When I returned home one time to find that he had been killed in a fluke accident on his normal walk to school one morning I knew it hadn't been an _accident. _An accident would have been no one's fault, would have no one to blame, no one to punish. I knew exactly who was to blame, everyone knew.

"Even if I was a victor, I was still the capitol's property, and therefore my brother was too. He didn't even know it was coming, or maybe he did and just didn't let on. He was so happy when he felt he was aloud to be, when it was an appropriate time in his mind. He was determined though, to make other people's lives easier, always more concerned about others than himself. So much better than me, in every way. I keep trying to come up with reasons why he deserved to die, just so I could have some piece of mind but I cant… there is absolutely no reason in this world to take the life of that young boy."

At this she is suddenly on her feet, arms folded over her chest, no tears, only sadness on her face. She begins to walk away but as she is about to leave the room I call out to her. "Johanna," I say and she turns around to face me. "What was his name?"

"Landon." She says quietly and exits the room as I bob my head up and down once and carefully write the name on the page. Peeta's hand is on my shoulder then, squeezing lightly. I look back to him and smile lightly, sadly.

How could I have been so naïve in not thinking of Johanna's friends and loved ones and their stories? Knowing about her younger brother brings back memories of The Quell, when the jabberjays had mocked the sound of me and Finnick's loved ones. How I had told her not to go near, for fear that she would hear her own family's screams and how she had simply said there was no one left she loved. It had caught me off guard at first and I felt bad for her in some way even if at the time we weren't the best of friends.

I gently set the page inside the covering and turn back to Peeta. "We will have to ask her to describe him so that you can sketch a picture into the book." I tell him and he nods in agreement.

The rest of the morning is spent quietly working away on pages of the book, starting with people who we hardly knew, and working up to the bigger ones. No matter how well we knew them though, it's never easy. We write about Ripper, the woman who used to sell liquor in the Hob, or Leevy, one of my neighbours back in the Seam. All people who we knew around town, all people who were killed during the bombs.

"Why don't we take a break and get some lunch hmm?" Peeta says and extends an arm to help me off the couch. We haven't heard or seen Johanna since this morning and I am a little concerned.

"Do you think I should go see if Johanna's okay?" I ask Peeta as we walk into the kitchen. He looks up from where he was retrieving a pan from and looks like he is thinking for a moment before answering.

"I have a feeling Johanna will come out when she is ready. I don't think she is really one for talking about her feelings. You going in there may only make it worse for her." He says quietly. His voice is not patronizing in any way but I do pick up on a hint of urgency in his eyes. I know how well he knows Johanna, and trust him in his judgement of the situation.

Peeta cooks some squirrel on the stove which he then makes into two sandwiches, one for me and one for himself. He sits next to me at the small table in the kitchen and rests one hand on my knee while we eat. I feel distracted as we eat though, finding myself lost in thought about other members of Johanna's family, and her friends. Who will she go home to when she leaves? Who does she have back in 7? I hope desperately that there is someone.

Peeta notices how little I have eaten, how I seem to be staring at the far wall I suppose. He squeezes my shoulder and asks if I'm alright, which I respond with a slight nod of my head. I look up into his impossibly blue eyes, eyes that no one could hate, and see them full of concern. I force the corners of my lips to rise and send him a small smile.

We decide to go for a walk into town then, Peeta insisting on showing me the bright new sign that had been hung on the building that will soon be his bakery. It scares me slightly, thinking of him being gone so often, working but I know that it is what he loves and I know the district needs this. So, I bury those fears deep into the back of my mind and refuse to let them surface.

We crunch through the snow hand in hand as we make our way around town, politely saying hello to people as we pass. I still don't think they are quite used to seeing me out and about, and some give me sad or concerned looks. I simply try not to notice.

By the time we make it back home my nose and cheeks are red and I'm shivering slightly. When we walk inside Peeta takes my coat for me, even though I have told him it is unnecessary many times and head into the kitchen. It is early evening and the sun is slowly dipping down in the sky as we prepare dinner. Johanna joins us as if nothing had happened.

After dinner, Johanna decides to head to bed early and neither I nor Peeta protest. We make our way to the living room and sit by the fire, wrapped in a blanket. I pick up another piece of paper and begin to write.

I write about her soft blond hair, braided down each side of her head in long strands. Her eyes, that soft baby blue that everyone loved. I write about her fear of just about anything, but her bravery and professionalism when it came to the sick or injured. I wrote about every happy memory I could think of and my hand became sore as I filled sheet after sheet. As I finished the last one, tears stained the pages. Tears that didn't stop for quite a long time after.

Peeta holds me for a long while, quietly soothing me and telling me stories of her coming to the bakery, or playing with the children in the school yard. I soak his shirt with my tears as I bury my head there, fists clenched and pushing against his chest, my head shaking back and forth at the cruelty of the world, thinking I would do anything to take her place.

I must cry myself to sleep somehow as the next time I wake I am being lifted by his strong arms and carried to bed. I whimper her name a few times and he holds me tighter and kisses the top of my head.

He helps me into my night clothes and lays me on the bed, soon crawling in beside me and wrapping me in his strong arms that seem to anchor me to the planet. I fall asleep thinking of Primroses but also of Dandelions, and the bright yellow that will forever remind me that there is still hope in the world.

**_Please_ tell me what you think! I never know what you guys are thinking so I'm writing blindly! Your reviews help with my writing so please, please review! Thanks to every single one of my viewers!**


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